11/20/2009

(An excerpt from my weekly column in Exit Zero magazine)

“You need to lose weight or you’re going to die,” blurted out the woman sitting next to me.  We were complete strangers, sitting at adjacent tables in an extremely crowded Applebee's restaurant on Veteran’s Day.   She was not discreet with her voice.

“I hope I am not out of line, but you’re too big,” she continued.  “You have a beautiful wife and daughter.  Don’t you want to be around for them?”  She continued with her comments, getting louder and louder.  By this point, people around us had begun to pay attention as she uttered her final observation, “You’re going to die if you don’t lose weight.”

My wife had already walked out to the car to feed our daughter by the time the woman started talking, so I was alone at the table to face her comments.  Did I stand up for myself?  Did I politely ask her to keep her comments to herself and walk away?  No to both.

I thanked her for her advice and I sat there silently, listening to everything she had to say before I hung my head and excused myself.  It was a humiliating experience that I will never forget.  Some people might believe a thing like that would be motivating, pushing a person to make sure it never happens again.  In reality, it’s just painful and soul crushing. 

To give the whole effect of the incident, I should point out that the reason we were at Applebee's was their Veteran’s Day promotion where veterans eat free.  I’m a disabled veteran with a VA rating of 50%, due to my Panic Disorder and a knife wound I sustained to my right hand that caused permanent nerve and tendon damage.  

Veteran’s Day has always been difficult for me, because I developed my Panic Disorder while working overseas in Naval Intelligence and I had to come home before I completed my tour of duty.  I wasn’t able serve my entire 4 year enlistment.   I went from being at the top of my game, excelling in the fast-paced world of intelligence reconnaissance, to being an honorably discharged veteran, living with my parents in my old bedroom. 

I traded my Top Secret SCI security clearance, for repeated panic attacks and a mantle of shame I never relinquished.  I blamed myself for the Panic Disorder and felt like I let everyone down by leaving the military early.  Most of the people in my life had no idea what happened and just assumed I had gotten in trouble or gone crazy. 

The military doctors never told me what was wrong with me and I wasn’t so sure I hadn’t gone crazy, so I didn’t set people straight.   That’s about the time I began eating and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, holding it all in and trying to pretend nothing was wrong.  Even after my family doctor diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and explained my problem in detail, I couldn’t shake the shame.

Then the VA (Veterans Administration) officially listed me as disabled, which only made my shame deeper as I compared myself to all those other veterans who’ve lost limbs or sustained other devastating injuries.  To this day, I still feel like I am not deserving of the disability rating because my wounds are not outwardly visible.  The only real sign of what’s going on inside is the massive amount of weight I have surrounded myself with on the outside.

11/01/2009

November 1st, Sunday and I am ready to rock this Weight Watchers gig.  I had a 3 egg white omelet for breakfast with a slice of toast and an apple.  I'm actually feeling kind of rough today, but that's totally unrelated to food.  About a month ago I got the dreaded... Swine Flu... mwooo haaa haaa.  With the way the media has made it out to be, you'd think it was tantamount to the plague. 

In reality, I felt terrible for about a week and I've had lingering effects since, but it's getting better.  My doctor told me on Friday that I still had remnants of the flu and that for some people, it can go up to 6-7 weeks before it's completely gone.  So it's really not that bad, just uncomfortable.  Then there's the viral bronchitis that I also contracted, because I didn't just sit around and relax like I probably should have done. 

My doctor said that since it's viral (they did blood tests to measure my white blood cells to know for sure), antibiotics wouldn't help things.  So he prescribed me Guiffenesin and an inhaler.  I've used the Guiffenesin and I know it doesn't make me anxious or interact with my panic disorder medicine, but I had never used the inhaler before.  I looked it up on the internet and found that it can cause nervousness, palpitations and more as side effects, so I have been unwilling to try it... until this morning. 

Long story short, last night my chest got so tight that I was wheezing and I felt like I couldn't take in enough air.  It was terrible and I had to take extra medicine just to keep the panic attacks from taking over.  I woke up this morning and still felt the tightness, so I broke down and used the inhaler.   I had no side effects and it seemed to help. Doh!  I could have used it last night!

My whole family has been sick, with the exception of my wife.  My stepdaughter Alex, had the swine flu and missed school Monday and Tuesday of this past week.  Then on Wednesday, my 7 month old baby girl, Allana, was also diagnosed with the swine flu.  I was at my doctor's office on Thursday learning that I had bronchitis when I received a call from my stepson's school.  He was also sick with a high fever and they needed me to pick him up. 

I had to cancel a highly-anticipated trip to Cape May and I am still really bummed out about it.  I was supposed to spend the weekend in a condo at Summer Station (one of my favorite hotels in Cape May) and appear in a live theatre adaptation of my friend Terry O'Brien's short story, 'Murder-Oke'.  Being sick and having my whole family sick too, I had no choice but to pull out on Friday.  I feel terrible about it because I was really looking forward to the show and my canceling meant that Terry was forced to scramble and find someone else to take my place. 

10/27/2009

Big things coming for me.......... hopefully.  I have decided to reactivate my membership with Weight Watchers and give it another serious try.  Again, I am not endorsing any specific weight loss method or product, I am simply making a choice for me.  I have constant reminders every day about what I am dooming my daughter to if I don't lose weight. 

I picked up her tiny sweater today and thought about how hard it would be for her to grow up without a Daddy if I continued to stay the same or even gain weight.  I remembered again, all the pain I felt (and still feel) when my Dad died suddenly and I pictured her having to go through that in a few years.   I'm sacrificing her happiness and future well being for my own gluttonous gratification as I eat another donut or down another order of French fries.

Something needs to change and God help me, I don't know how to make it happen.  This is not a matter of me not wanting to change, it's me feeling powerless to do it.  At the same time, I feel like there has to be some kind of strength deep down inside me somewhere that I can tap into when I really need it...... like now. 

I'm also starting a new thing with periodic video updates that will give everyone the opportunity to see my progress (or lack thereof) with their own eyes.  I want to put myself back into this and center the whole Donate My Weight campaign around my weight loss, like it was in the beginning.  Somewhere along the lines I got sidetracked with the food any money we were raising and I developed the idea that it was ok if I slowed my weight loss as long as we were still feeding the hungry. 

One of the hardest things a person who is morbidly obese can do is put themselves first, because they have beaten themselves down in their heads and with self-depreciating jokes for a long time.  But it's essential to do that and focus on improving ourselves, because we deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.  I'm not happy right now and as much as I am ecstatic about some of the wonderful aspects of my life like my family and my friends, I can't fully enjoy them right now. 

I hate that I get winded walking up the steps to check on my daughter or that I have to stop playing with her after only a few minutes because I am painfully uncomfortable sitting on the floor and playing with her.  It tears me apart that I can only hold her in certain positions because either my fat body is in the way or I can't physically do it for more than 30 seconds.  I can't carry her places because with my 440 lbs I can barely move around without pain as it is. 

Enough of that!  It's getting me upset to think about it all and as I lay here typing this out, there's nothing I can do to fix it right now.  All I can do is try again with a new game plan and keep the faith.  I believe God have big things in store for me, but I also believe that God helps those who help themselves.  So........... here I go!  

10/25/2009

Video Update  (Click to view the video)

10/12/2009

You may have noticed there has been another lag in my blogging.  Though I haven't exactly been eating properly over the past two weeks, the real reason for my last of writing is the fact that I have been laid up with the flu.  It's been lots of fun and I especially enjoyed when it went into my lungs and started an infection (I mean that sarcastically, I didn't actually enjoy it).

I was laying on the floor with my daughter last night and thinking of all the great things I wanted for her to experience in life.  It occurred to me that with the good will come the bad, but I resolved to be there for her to help her through the rough times.  That's about the time that it hit me- if I don't lose weight, I can't be here for her.  I'll die within the next 5-10 years.

Everyday is another opportunity to turn things around, so let's reset and start over.  Wish me luck and please keep me in your prayers...

09/22/2009

I haven't been faithfully blogging because I'm not exactly happy with my 'progress' but then again, I said I would write about things no matter what.  The truth is that I have been feeling like a big old ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth from success to failure.

There's some really good days and then some really bad, but I can't seem to stabilize things.  I've gotten a lot of advice from folks and I really appreciate it all.  Sometimes you need others to help point out the things that should be right in front of your face.  A very nice innkeeper in Cape May called me to talk about Donate My Weight and she recommended I give Weight Watchers another go. 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, since I had such an issue with the points before and I don't have a lot of money to spend.  But then again, imagine how much money my extra weight will cost me in dollars and years off my life.  I just don't know which way to turn right now and I am feeling pretty beat.  It still hurts a lot to see the numbers on the scale and realize that I threw all of my great progress away. 

I realize I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now and I guess I'll stop doing that...... or try to stop doing that.  It sort of goes with the territory and I'm sure that others out there in my same situation know exactly what I'm talking about.  So I'll keep feeling bad tonight and then tomorrow is another day.

08/18/2009

Yikes.  Every time I go back and read over my thoughts from the bad days, I can't believe I let things get to that point.  I never understood how someone could be addicted to food before this experience and I certainly never thought I was.  Life sure is crazy sometimes. 

At least I can say I'm feeling better now and I just finished a breakfast of yogurt and peanut butter crackers.  I try to even the score every day and somehow, I keep finding ways to fall off track.  And no, I'm still not ready to quit this challenge.  Mark my words- I WILL lose this weight, one way or another.  Keep the faith...

08/15/2009

I feel so horrible right now.  I could barely make it up the stairs carrying a bag.  You'd think after that terrible scare in the hospital, I'd turn my life around immediately and fix my mistakes.  Nope.  I went down to Cape May and ate my head off for a week.  Why'd I do it?  Because I was scared and I used the food to make myself feel better.

How stupid can a person get.  Now I weigh 430 lbs and I'm only 30 lbs away from my weight at the beginning of Donate My Weight in January.  I can't tell you how much I hate myself right now.  I feel like I'm stuck in a downward spiral and I just can't get out of it.  I know I'm letting everybody down but I don't feel like I can stop. 

08/06/2009

It's been a terrifying couple of days for me.  I was visiting a friend on Wednesday, when my chest started feeling tight.  It had felt that way the night before and a couple times before that.  I decided to go to my VA Clinic to be checked out and that's where things got really interesting.  I told the woman at the front desk what was happening and before I knew it, I was lying on a bed with all sorts of wires hooked up to me and my doctor was in the room looking at EKG results.

You have to give the VA credit, they were tremendous with me and fast as could be.  My doctor explained that it didn't appear as if I was having a heart attack, but there were limitations to their equipment and they couldn't tell if I had had one or was about to have one, so he was sending me to the emergency room.  Within a few minutes, an ambulance was there with paramedics.  I was strapped to the stretcher and whisked away to the ER.  I was scared out of my mind and all I could think about was my dad's last trip in the back of an ambulance. 

Many more tests were run in the ER, from 12 point EKG's, x-rays and lots of blood drawn, before the doctor decided to admit me overnight for observation.  Throughout the night I was hooked up to an EKG, hooked up to a second 12-point EKG every 4 hours, given multiple blood tests and had my vitals were checked every few hours.  It was a very unnerving experience and this morning, I was given a stress test where I got some nuclear stuff injected in me and then put in a cat scan machine.  Afterwards, I was up on the treadmill until I was exhausted, then back in the cat scan machine.

Around 1pm this afternoon, my doctor came in to go over everything with me.  I didn't have a heart attack, my pain was caused by GERD, or acid coming up out of my stomach and burning my esophagus.  Apparently, my heart is in pretty good shape, my blood pressure was 119/78 and my cholesterol was 206.  On the other hand, blood tests determined I had hypothyroidism and my thyroid gland wasn't pumping enough thyroid hormone into my body.

Point is, the last two days stunk and I literally went through all the ranges of emotion.  Thank God for my strong wife who was there by my side to keep my strong. 

08/02/2009

Ok.  I spent a week trying to get more active and the time has come to add the diet portion back.  I didn't want to jump into both because, well, I was a little scared I would make a mistake and just quit.  Also, I have been feeling like I'm walking around with a 50 lb coat on lately and I wanted to try and get myself moving for a couple days before I added the diet.

Turns out that it really made no difference.  I woke up today feeling like garbage, anxious about starting the diet and moving around as if I'm an old man.  That week of trying to be more active didn't help at all.  There was a good intention behind it, but I'd advise anyone else away from doing the same thing.  It was just a waste of time.

I'm also feeling kind of tight in the chest today and I have the last day or so, but I'm sure it's heartburn from some homemade garlic shrimp I made.  Each time I eat one of those Rolaids Chews (they're great), I feel better.  At the same time, the heartburn reminds me of the inevitable outcome if I don't lose this weight. 

07/29/2009

I have still been feeling kind of lousy, lugging around all this extra weight, but I'm still trying to get more active.  I'm walking more and taking more trips up and down the stairs.  Maybe that sounds like it's not a big deal, but for a 420 lbs guy, it's not that easy to do.  I also noticed that when I have been going in a pool, I feel great in the water.  It's probably because of the buoyancy factor, but it's wonderful and it's like the good old days when I weighed less than a Volkswagen.

The main problem comes in when I get out of the pool.  Once I step out of the water, it feels like a ton of weight has just been added to my body and it's hard to move.  My chest suddenly feels tight and heavy and it takes a minute or so to feel normal again.  I hate that.

In other news, I have a disabled veterans meeting at Career Link in two days and I have been going through my clothes to find something appropriate to wear.  Nothing fits me anymore.  Nothing.  That twenty pounds apparently all came back on in my hips or belly, because shirts won't clothes and pants barely button.  Isn't that great?  Good thing I still have some of my old clothes, though it's like a kick in the groin to have to go out to the garage and get them back out.

07/26/2009

Well... I'm back.  Things took an unexpected turn for me and I came to realize that I really need to get back in control of things.  In just a few short weeks, I put on 20 lbs and it scared the hell out of me.  As it turns out, I won't have the luxury of taking some time to figure things out and get back on track, because I'm not in a good place where I can handle that yet.

I ate things I shouldn't have eaten, justifying it all the way.  I basically canned all my exercise with the excuse that I'd get back to it 'soon.'  Both were really stupid ideas and both came back to haunt me.  I knew I was in trouble before I even stepped on the scale.  I was having a harder time getting around again and clothes weren't fitting me anymore. 

My chest was feeling tight when I walked up a flight of stairs and I feel like I'm carrying heavy grocery bags around wherever I go.  It's hard for me to imagine what it must have been like for me at 477 lbs, because I feel so bad where I am now.  I also keep thinking of the near-certainty that I will die young if I don't lose weight and how that would affect my family.

I met with a new doctor who is going to talk with me and help me understand things about my eating and why I binge so easily.  In our first meeting, he asked me how I felt about myself and I told him without hesitation, I don't like me.  I don't.  I don't like the way I have not been coming through with my weight loss plans when I know how much good it would do for others and for food banks.  I don't like that I would put my baby girl's future in jeopardy over a couple donuts, trading a lifetime of her living without her daddy for a few tasty snacks.

I could go on and on, but I guess you probably see where I'm coming from.  My daughter, wife and two step-children mean the world to me and it kills me that I can't seem to think about them when I'm eating out of control.  I hate that I choose food over them again and again. 

Instead of going on about my personal issues, let me explain what I'm going to try this time.  I'm going back to basics, ditching weight watchers and counting calories the old fashioned way.  I'm going to start at 1800-2000 calories a day for the first couple weeks to get back into it and go from there.  I think the 1500 I was doing before was too restricting to start off with in the beginning of a diet. 

Cheat days are still out, but I will allow myself to enjoy one meal within reason each week.  Nothing crazy and nothing ridiculous in calories, but something that will be a treat.  I changed the starting weight from the weight at the beginning of Donate my Weight (460 lbs) to my all-time highest from three months earlier (477 lbs).  That way, I can get a better idea of just how far I've come as an individual fighting a personal demon, not just some guy trying to win a challenge.

Like I said in the very beginning of this long journey- win, lose or draw, I'm putting it all out there and one way or another, I will prove a point.  I'll either prove that there really is a limit to how much an individual can truly accomplish, regardless of the motivation, or I'll prove that sheer determination and perseverance can overcome even the toughest obstacles.  The 247 lbs between 477 lbs and 230 lbs is a pretty tough obstacle too.  Believe me.

07/02/2009

Things with the diet are going rough and I'm having a hard time calculating points of things.  The problem is that when it gets too complicated, I just skip it and put it off until later in the day.  Then later in the day comes and I forget to mark it.  Losing weight and dieting is such a slippery slope.  You make one mistake and then use it to rationalize another, which leads to another and so on...

Last night we released my new book at a wonderful party in Cape May, NJ and as happy as I was, I was haunted by my weight.  It was in my face all night, from the chair that I sat on for the book signing not being strong enough to the many questions from people about my weight loss project.  People cared about me and what I am trying to do, which I greatly appreciate, but it was so hard to put a smile on my face and say over and over that I was facing a number of setbacks.

On the other hand, I refused to be anything but honest and when I was posed the question, I told them the truth.  It hurt each time I had to say it and though people were very nice to me, I still felt like I let them down.  I feel like I've let everyone down and I'm worried about being around for my little girl.

My anxiety level was at an all-time high and even with the medicine, I felt like a panic attack was ready to come at any time.  I felt a lot of beginnings, but thankfully, the medicine didn't let me down.  I think the anxiety was a mixture of the excitement from the book signing party, worry about whether or not people will like the book and my embarrassment with the way I look. 

Life sucks sometimes.

06/25/2009

Sometimes I question why I started Donate My Weight, why I put so many of my personal details out there for the whole world to see.  I think about my decision to take one of the hardest struggles I've had to face and put it into the public eye, where everyone I know and scores of people I've never met can watch me humiliate myself if I fail to meet my goal.

Well, I got my answer yesterday.  I was outside with my kids as they were riding their bikes around the neighborhood when a neighbor approached me.  He said he was going to get a piece of paper and have me autograph it.  I looked at him with a kind of confused expression and he told me he had seen me on the news the day before. 

We talked a little about the huge donation from Wegmans and he said that it was such a big thing for a lot of people.  Then he leaned in and said to me, "You know... I'm one of the people who uses the food bank.  Times are tough and we had to do it to get by."  He said his family has been forced to rely on the food bank in the past couple months, even though he works full time. 

Then he thanked me, told me how much he appreciated what I was doing, said 'God bless you,' and walked home. 

06/23/2009

What a tremendous day today!  Wegmans came through on their promise and delivered 18,000 lbs of food to Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley!!!!! It felt so good to stand there and watch the truck back up to the loading dock, knowing that the need is strong right now and realizing how much that shipment will help.  Thank you, Wegmans.  You did an incredible thing for the people of the Lehigh Valley today.

At the same time, it was a strong reminder that I haven't made the progress with my weight that I had hoped to achieve.  I had such high hopes that by this time, I would be 230 lbs and in good shape.  Instead, I'm 396 lbs and I am feeling really terrible about myself.  I feel like such a failure and... why keep writing about it.  I'm sure people can imagine the way I feel and it is completely deserved.  I did it to myself.

BUT, and this is a big but (not to be confused with a big butt, which I also have), I am not giving up.  I had a blood test last week and everything came back in good shape, though a few levels are lower than normal.  That apparently means that my nutrition is a little rough and I should be taking a multivitamin. 

I also met with the doctor that works with my panic disorder and we talked about my options for additional help with my weight loss.  They offered me a nutritionist and help along those lines, but I declined.  I know what I need to do to lose weight, I am just not doing it right, for some unknown reason.  Then the doctor offered to set me up with a psychologist to help me find out the underlying reason for my eating.

Without hesitation, I accepted the offer and I am hoping the psychologist can shed some light on things.  It seems to me that I have every reason to lose weight and I truly want to lose this weight, but I keep preventing myself from being successful.  I don't get it and this is one of those situations where I have to suck up my pride and reach out for a little more help. 

I made a commitment to myself, my family and a whole lot of hungry people.  I said I would lose 230 lbs and I will, no doubt about it.  When Donate My Weight began, I thought this whole things was just going to be a basic story about a guy losing weight and raising donations.  Now it seems that it's going to be about never giving up on yourself and proving that no matter how many mistakes a person makes, it is still possible to reach your goal if you just keep trying and don't lose faith.

06/18/2009

The first Wegmans donations is coming up next Tuesday and I am really looking forward to it.  I know I haven't reached my halfway mark, but I have lost a significant amount of weight and I am still committed to losing the rest.  As much as I wanted to lose all 230 lbs quickly, I'm trying to make a lifelong change and I'm ok if it takes a little longer... as long as it stay off!

The diet has been shaky but thankfully, I haven't gained anything back.  It's just been really stressful the past couple months and I am having a hard time controlling my diet.  I know I shouldn't be eating some of the thing I do, but I can't seem to help myself.  Not trying to make excuses, there really aren't any good ones.  It's just the way it is right now.

I have faith that I'll make it through this, though. It's just taking time. 

In other news, my book release party is July 1st in Cape May, NJ.  It will be an awesome event for me, the culmination of a whole lot of time and effort, shared with my friends and family.  I created a Youtube video preview of my book, to give people an idea of what it's like- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgbPc0ZnbDc&feature=channel_page .  It was such a special thing for me to write about Cape May's 400 year history and I hope people enjoy it!

06/10/2009

I got my Jeep back yesterday and they tell me it's fixed.  I've heard that line many times before, so I guess we'll just have to see.  Andrea and I are planning to go out this afternoon and take a nice, long walk in the park.  That will be nice and it will be some good exercise for me.  Now if only I could avoid eating foods that aren't great for me. 

It sounds so easy... but it's not.  I keep trying and I keep screwing up.  I know I tell people not to beat themselves up when they make mistakes, but I just can't help doing it to myself.  I heard a radio announcer talking about overweight people yesterday and he made the comment that it was a decision to be overweight.  He said that all we have to do is stop eating so much and it will fix itself... spoken like a person who has never struggled with weight.

At this point, I just don't know what else I can do to control things.  All I can do is keep trying to be successful with what I have and not quit on myself.  The annoying thing is that I really do make a lot of good decisions for myself with my diet and exercise, but they are all overshadowed by one or two bad decisions.  It stinks how easily a ton of hard work can be unraveled by a momentary bad decision.

In other news, I woke up to a panic attack in the middle of the night.  That was a lot of fun and luckily I had my medicine to control it.  Too bad the medicine takes about an hour to fully work.  Great couple of days I'm having...

06/07/2009

For good or for bad, huh?  Well the news is not good and I am so sick and tired of this all.  I didn't lose any weight this week.  Sure, I didn't gain any weight either and that's great, but I didn't lose either and that stinks.  I know why I didn't lose and it was all my fault too.  I was scared and anxious that day with the car and I ate Chinese food when we got home. 

Then yesterday, I also ate badly because I felt drained and tired and I just wanted to feel better.  Imagine that.  I ate unhealthy food to feel better and it only made me feel worse.  It's like the same old trap and it stinks.  I'm going to call the VA tomorrow and see if they have any doctors that I can talk with about my eating issues.  I am so exhausted with all the anxiety and pain that has come along with not losing weight like I had hoped, especially since it's in front of the whole world.

I'm not giving up, but I sure do feel like a failure right now.

06/05/2009

Today has been a terrible day, but thankfully we all made it home safely.  The day started out nicely as we all woke up in Cape May and prepared to come home.  We had lunch at Cabanas and that was nice, then Andrea and I took the kids to visit our friends Archie and Stephanie at the Bedford Inn.

After our visit, we got on the road and that is where things went badly.  The rain was pouring down very hard and I knew it wasn't going to be a fun trip, but I had no idea what we were in for in the next hour.  At about 2pm, while we were driving on the Atlantic City Expressway, the Jeep suddenly lost power and wouldn't drive anymore.  I was able to pull over to the side of the road and restart it.

I got back into traffic and within 10 seconds, it did it again.  This is not something new, that 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee of ours has spent weeks in the shop for the very same problem on four different occasions.  All totaled it was in the shop for about 2-3 months.  At one point, the dealership was going wire by wire through the vehicle to find the problem and recommended Chrysler buy the vehicle back from us because they couldn't fix it. 

Both the dealership and I spent many hours on the phone with Chrysler's customer service people who finally agreed to send someone to the dealership to assess the situation personally.  Even after everything, the might Chrysler refused to take the vehicle back and sent the Jeep back to us 'fixed'.

Over the course of the last year and a half, I have written three letters to Chrysler, asking them to take this car back because it was a lemon.  I noted that it has been in the shop for the same problem four times and it was still happening.  Guess what they said to me in return... nothing.  I never heard back from them.  I didn't even get a lousy form letter in response.

So getting back to today, my wife called the dealer who informed her that they can't help us anymore, Chrysler closed their franchise with them as part of the company's massive restructuring.  They were very nice to us though and gave us some other contact numbers.  We then called Chrysler's roadside assistance (my Jeep is 2 years old and only has 29000 miles) and after some arguing, they agreed to tow the car all the way to PA, back to the original dealership where I bought it.  The dealer who had previously been working on it was different from where I bought it.

There was some tense moments on the phone with roadside assistance, when they informed me that they couldn't tow the car off the Atlantic City Expressway.  Apparently, it was a restricted area and I would need the State Police to tow it off the road, before Chrysler would then tow it to the dealer.  I tried to avoid all those problems by nursing the car off the Expressway.  It took six times of restarting it and dangerously having to stop on the shoulder, but I got it off the road in some small town.

By this point, it was 2:30pm and I was instructed by the roadside assistance people to call the Chrysler customer service people to get a rental car, since my Jeep was about to be towed away.  That's where the real fun came in, because Chrysler outsources their customer service to India and the guy I spoke with couldn't care less about my situation.  Picture this- myself, Andrea, my two older children and a 2-month old baby, stuck in a broken-down car in some unknown location in the middle of a rainstorm.

He refused to help me and basically told me it wasn't his problem.  The guy never even bothered to look up my account and see all the problems I've had with the car in the past.  I asked to speak with his supervisor, who wasn't much more of a help.  He told me that the only way they would authorize a rental car was after my Jeep made it to the dealer.  I explained that the dealer was well over 100 miles away and it would take hours.  I asked if he expected us to sit on the side of the road and wait, to which he replied, "yes."

It's lucky the guy was so far away because by that point, I would have lost my cool with him.  I told him that wasn't an option and he was extremely argumentative.  He did call the dealer where my car was going and ask them to pay for a rental, which that dealer promptly refused.  They didn't know any of the car's problems, since I moved away after I bought it and used a different place.  I personally spoke with the service manager of the dealer who made a lot of sense. 

He told me to rent a car myself and get my family off the road.  He said he couldn't promise that Chrysler would reimburse me, but said he'd try to help me and reminded me that I had little choice at that point.  So I called Enterprise to arrange a rental and the story got even better.  It seems that Enterprise wouldn't allow me to return the car to a location in my hometown, I would have to drive all the way back there the next day and return it.  Oops, then they told me they were all out of cars.

The woman I spoke with from Enterprise took pity on me and told me to call Hertz, who arranged for me to get a car and drop it off the next day in Allentown.  The problem was... it would be over an hour before they could get a car to me.  As it turned out, the tow truck was also delayed considerably, because they were so busy in the storm.

Long story short, the tow truck and the rental car arrived at the same time- about 6pm.  Then it took another hour to get things squared away with the rental car.  He had to drive us further into the town and take us to the office to fill out paperwork.  We finally had our rental car at 7pm and even though it was very dirty inside and reeked of cigarette smoke, it was our only means of getting home. 

We eventually pulled up to our house at about 8:30pm, safe and sound.  Thank God for protecting us all today, it got scary at times.  I am exhausted now... time for bed.  Take my advice on this, don't buy a Jeep Grand Cherokee and if you already have one, don't waste your time calling their customer service.

06/04/2009

I'm down in Cape May right now with Andrea and the kids, doing some writing and making preparations for the book release coming up.  The kids and Andrea have been to the beach and swam in the pool, but I've been stuck inside most of the time.  It's ok though, as long as I can see that ocean from the window, I'm happy!

I did get to spend some nice time with the family in the middle of the day, when we all took a historic trolley tour through the town and then toured a Victorian museum known as the Emlen Physick Estate.  Both tours are ones I have enjoyed before, but they were new for the kids and for Andrea's dad who came along.  It was a nice time, but we had a mile and a half long walk back afterwards, while the rain was pouring down heavily.

I came back to the hotel (Summer Station) and crashed on the bed for an hour.  Come to think of it, I also got to spend good time with the family over breakfast at the Marquis de Lafayette this morning.  That was really nice and we all had a blast.  Of course I had to have a Belgium waffle because I'm stupid and weak.  Damn it.

There wasn't much walking on this trip other than the museum day, because the weather was so rough and I had so much to do.

05/30/2009

It turns out I was wrong.  The Weight Watcher people said that I should expect 1 to 2 lbs to be lost in a week and I thought it would be more.  I weighed in today and I lost 2 lbs.  Oops.  I really thought I would have lost more, but I guess not.

Even so, 2 lbs lost is better than gaining weight and I'm going to stay straight with things.  I will reach this goal one way or the other and if it means losing 2 lbs a week, than so be it.  I'd rather do it the healthy way to preserve my heart and body as best as possible.  Lord knows I have abused my body with this excessive weight and while I'm sure losing the weight will help out a lot, there is probably a good deal of irreversible damage done too.

It's too late to do anything about that, so I will just focus on the future and on getting as much out of life as I can.  Who know, maybe if I was in the best shape all my life, I'd get hit by a truck anyway and it wouldn't matter.  Life is a gamble and I'm trying to keep positive about my situation.  That smiling little girl laying next to me as I write this helps a lot with my perspective!

Time to put the computer down and go give lot of kissies to my little girl...

05/26/2009

It was a nice Memorial Day weekend, filled with picnic food and entertainment.  I did really well with things and when we went to see Angels and Demons at the movie theatre yesterday, I even took Fat Free Pringles along... lol.  I knew carrot sticks would have been better for me, but I just couldn't do it.

The people at Weight Watchers tell me that I should expect 1-2 lbs lost each week.  I don't know how to feel about that, because I was really hoping to see more.  Then again, it's better than gaining and I guess all those 1 or 2 lbs will add up in the end.  I will be happy as long as I reach my final goal in the end.  I sure am trying!

In other news, my little girl is starting to really develop a personality of her own.  She's so much fun to play with and I can only wait until she gets a little older.  My other two kids had a Spring concert at school tonight and in between the songs, Allana and I had all sorts of fun playing!     I also made a little video of Andrea and me playing with the little girl.  Check it out HERE!

05/22/2009

I have to do my weigh-in tomorrow, because I screwed up and ate breakfast before I weighed myself today.  Oops...  Things are going well other than that, though.  I'm hoping to see some nice results when I do finally get on that scale.  I have stuck to the diet all week without any deviation.

I also walked quite a bit yesterday with Andrea.  We went to a local park and enjoyed the beautiful day in the afternoon.  I have to get ready to go to Jordan's school now, they're having a mock congressional hearing and he's going to be speaking!

05/21/2009

Hey, I'm still going strong on the diet!  I had a huge challenge yesterday morning and I did really well.  Andrea, her mom and I went to a local diner for breakfast and traditionally, I have never handled diners too well.  Diners serve traditional American comfort food and I absolutely love it.  A big stack of pancakes, meatloaf sandwiches, gravy fries... it's all so good.

But yesterday, I ordered an egg beater omelet with onions, mushrooms and peppers in it, along with whole wheat toast and black coffee.  No homefries, no butter on the toast (I used jam), just healthy choices and it all tasted really good.  I was able to enjoy a meal out at a place that wasn't part of a huge restaurant chain with a special diet menu, or a nice restaurant that serves only organic meats and fresh vegetables.  I had a nice time and walked out of the diner without feeling stuffed and uncomfortable.

I'm hoping to see some nice results on Friday, but I guess only time will tell.  It will only be a 5 day total, since I started on the diet Sunday, but I am still hoping to see some progress.

05/19/2009

This new diet seems to be working out and I have been doing well with it.  I'm eating the right things, staying away from the wrong things and keeping to the program's guidelines.  The point system takes a little getting used to, but I'm working at it.  I was crunching the numbers last night with dinner.  We had grilled pork chops and I split one with Andrea, along with a side dish I made with potatoes and squash. 

I roasted them in spices, with onions, olive oil and a little butter, which made things difficult.  I had a small portion (it had butter in it) and since I didn't have a nutritional profile, I ended up using the points from another side dish that I found with similar ingredients.  I also had corn on the cob, which was already in the system and easy to count.  The funny thing was, I wasn't hungry all day and by the end, I didn't use all my points. 

I'm thinking it's a psychological thing and subconsciously, I'm in 'diet mode' again.  Whatever it is, I'm just happy that I've adjusted to the new system so well.  I know there will be some big tests for me in the coming days, but hey, I'm up for it!  I can't wait to start seeing those pounds coming off again!

05/17/2009

Today's a new day for me.  I said there was no way I was going to let all that weight come back on me and I meant it.  After stepping on the scale today and seeing it rise another few pounds, I had enough and I reached out for a little help.  It turns out that losing this 230 lbs is a little more of a task than I could handle on my own... so I signed up with Weight Watchers for Men.

I don't mean to imply that it is the only way I could lose weight, it's not, but Weight Watchers seems to be the best way for me to get everything I need to help me lose it and keep it off.  When I was doing things on my own, I only focused on getting the weight off and I never addressed how I would keep it off or why I gained it all in the first place.  People who have never gained a bunch of weight would probably not understand and they might say, "Just stop eating and you'll lose weight." 

As most of you know, it's a little more than that.  I don't think it's a bad thing to ask for help when you need it, I only wish I would have learned that lesson years ago.  Then again, everything happens for a reason and though I don't understand it, there was probably a purpose to me putting on the weight and being miserable for so long.  I still could have done without the public embarrassment of putting weight back on after I started Donate My Weight, but it will all work out in the end.

Maybe me dealing with everything in such a public forum will give other people inspiration when they have problems with their own weight loss.  That would make it all worth it, to help someone else keep going when times get rough.  Life can kick you in the teeth sometimes, but you just have to learn to let go of the bad stuff.  Easier said then done, I know.

So, I'm on Weight Watchers for Men and today was my first day.  Everything went well and stayed below my points while being more active.  It actually felt good to know that I was back on the right track, kind of comforting.  I'm still not endorsing any diet plan or program, Weight Watchers included, because I think that everybody is different.  What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. 

The key is to do the research yourself and find something that matches what you're looking for and what you think will help you lose weight.  Don't fall into the trap of those ultra-restrictive diets like those that don't allow you to eat any carbs, or only consume liquids days on end.  Both are extremely unhealthy and can actually kill you by turning your blood acidic, in a process called ketosis.  You know, I even found one weight loss web site that said ketosis is good, "It means you're losing weight," which is just crazy.

The point is, find a program that will not only help you lose weight in a healthy way, but will teach you how to maintain the weight loss once it's gone.  That's what I chose to do and I have a lot of faith that those numbers will soon be dropping off again.   

05/12/2009

My weigh-in on Sunday wasn't fantastic.  I lost one pound.  People tell me that it's great to lose even one pound and at least I didn't gain anything, but it stinks to me.  I feel like garbage about it and I'm not happy at all.  That Weight Watchers decision is going to be made this week.  I have been talking with Misty and Kelly about it, to get their input.

I figured if I didn't lose anything or if I gained, I would definitely sign up for the Weight Watchers plan.  Since it was a loss, I am not sure what to do.  I hear great things about the company, but both Misty and Kelly feel that I could do it on my own.  I've successfully lost a lot of weight with my own methods, that was never the problem.  The main problem has always been controlling my eating and no matter what diet plan I follow, if I don't address the underlying reasons for my eating, I will not achieve long-term success.

Misty also reminded me that at the beginning of this whole campaign, I said that it was possible to lose a large amount of weight by simply cutting calories and exercising.  She also reminded me that I proved that right once and I can do it again.  The real key is getting my mind cleared and ready for this healthy lifestyle I keep trying to initiate.  Something is preventing me from being as successful as I could be.  I need to identify that and make things right.

In other news, I am watching the finale of The Biggest Loser as I type this and it is infuriating.  The show itself is wonderful and I applaud everyone's great success at losing their weight, but I still haven't gotten past the show taking my Donate My Weight idea and repackaging it as their own.  Don't misunderstand, I am very happy for all the people who will benefit from the show's 'Pound For Pound' campaign and I think it's great that they've secured pledges of over 2,000,000 lbs of food.

It's also not about becoming rich or famous off this campaign.  I never looked for or expected to either one.  My goal has always been to lose weight and help as many people as I could in the process. That's it.  The thing is, Donate My Weight is kind of like my baby and to have someone take it from me is like having them take a piece of me.  There's also a helpless feeling that comes with it, because I can't compete with the money and promotion that they have put behind their variation of my program.  I'm just one guy, what can I do?

I was especially upset to see the CEO of Feeding America at the finale, talking on the show.  Back before the name change, when Feeding America was called America's Second Harvest, I had a number of conversations with their public relations department.  I proposed the whole idea of this program, just like I did to the people at The Biggest Loser, and they turned me down. 

America's Second Harvest said that while they liked my idea and it was an innovative approach to raising donations, they were worried about my health and the idea of them being held liable if something happened to me.  The public relations people encouraged me to go forward with it on my own and contact them once I lost the weight.  It was stressed to me a number of times that the idea was new and unusual, something they had never been approached with before. 

It's times like this that I need a big stress ball, or a punching bag to help me get rid of my frustrations.  This is the point where I would reach for some kind of fattening food to comfort me, or a bag of candy.  At least I know I am making SOME progress...

05/09/2009

Today wasn't a stellar day with the dieting and that stinks.  Ironically, the healthiest meal I had all day was when I went out to dinner with Andrea, Kelly and my good friend, John.  We went to Carrabas, one of my absolute favorite Italian restaurants, but I tried something out of the norm for me.  Instead of my favorite spaghetti and sausage or any of their delicious creamy-sauce dishes, I had grilled chicken marsala. 

It sounded good to me on the menu and let me tell you something, it rocked!  My meal was only overshadowed by our great dinner conversations.  Kelly shared some stories from her time on the Biggest Loser ranch while John talked about his many trips to interesting foreign lands.  Then there was Andrea and me, listening and taking it all in.  We're more homebodies and our idea of a fun vacation is either Disney World or Cape May. 

The evening was a whole lot of fun and it made me feel a little better about my rough day with the diet.  Tomorrow I will step on the scale and see how things went this week.  That ought to be interesting... If I don't lose weight it's time to move on to something new.  But I'm not going to quit and I refuse to just give up and gain all the weight back.  I don't ever want to look at that scale and see 450, 477 or anything close to it. 

In more positive news, Kelly has agreed to join me with Donate My Weight!  She's going to help me with advice, encouragement and raising donations for the food banks.  Few people know what it's like to do what I'm trying to do and luckily for me, one of them has agreed to work with me!  Between Kelly and Misty, I feel really lucky to have such great resources and more importantly (at least to me), great friends.

05/07/2009

What a week it's been!  The diet has been shaky again, but I think I might be ok at the weigh-in.  We'll see soon... 

I had the opportunity to speak to some students at the Lehigh Valley Performing Arts charter school about Donate My Weight and it was a cool experience.  They are involved with a weight loss challenge in their school that is being facilitated by staff members who are giving them all sorts of tools to be successful.  It's a great program and I'm honored they invited me in to speak.

While I was at the school, I met someone a couple of days ago that has really inspired me.  For fans of The Biggest Loser tv show,  think back to the first season finale.  Kelly Minner was a finalist and nearly won the whole thing, which is super impressive considering the extra-extreme diet techniques employed by the man who actually won.  The winner, Ryan, later explained the way he came in so low at the finale-

05/03/2009

In a Hollywood movie, this is where the triumphant hero would prove victorious and tell everybody that he lost weight and everything was good again.  Too bad this is real life and I'm not a triumphant hero, I'm just an angry fat man.  I gained 5 pounds.  

I laid awake last night for hours, thinking about this whole thing and worrying about what would happen.  My mind was still racing this morning when I woke up and I prepared myself for the worst.  Five pounds may not be the worst, but it's pretty damn bad.  One thing I decided last night was that I wouldn't give up this fight no matter what happens.  I will not quit struggling to lose weight and I will not stop trying to raise donations for the food banks.

Both are worthy goals and both are extremely important to me.  I want to be around to watch my kids grow up and spend many years with Andrea.  I also want to feed as many people through the food banks as humanly possible, to know that I absolutely gave it everything I had to raise food and money.  No regrets.

So here's the deal.  I have given myself one week, from today until next Sunday, to lose at least a couple pounds.  If my weight stays the same or if I gain weight, I will move to the Weight Watchers program.  Even if I do lose a couple pounds this week, I will keep monitoring things to avoid gaining weight back like I have here.

If I am unable to make it work through Weight Watchers, then I will set up gastric bypass surgery or one of the other weight loss surgeries (whatever is appropriate for my body) through my doctor.  I'm also going to talk to my doctor about some counseling for food issues.  It certainly can't hurt and I'm thinking it might really help.  Everybody needs a little help sometimes, it's just so hard asking for it...

Regardless of how it happens, I will continue to blog through the whole thing and narrate the journey.  Point blank, I'm tired of being fat.  As Popeye used to say, "I've had all I can stand, I can't stands no more!" 

04/30/2009

Things cooled off considerably and it's back to Spring weather.  Today has been wrought with personal issues to deal with and while I won't bore anyone by going into them here, I'll tell you I feel like I just went 10 rounds with George Foreman.  Today cost me a lot, physically, emotionally and financially.  Nobody died or anything, but it still stinks nonetheless.  Did I spell nonetheless right?  I think so.

So I am planning on weighing myself Saturday and I am giving myself an ultimatum.  If I haven't lost weight or God forbid, if I have gained any weight, I'm giving myself one last chance before I sign up for Weight Watchers.  That's right, Weight Watchers.  I have researched all the diet programs that I could find and only Weight Watchers meets the requirements I need (not-to-complicated, healthy weight loss that is sustainable).

I've tried the shakes in the past, weight loss supplements, diet pills, low-carbohydrate diets... you name it, I've tried it.  The only thing I haven't done is the surgery.  I'm actually terrified of it, to be completely honest.  I'd also like to give it everything I possibly can before I take that last step.  But if I can't lose the weight on my own or with Weight Watchers, then I will suck it up and sign up for the surgery. 

One way or the other, I will lose this weight and raise many tons of donations for the food banks.  Life is too short as it is, I want to give myself as much of it as I possibly can and enjoy the days I have.

04/28/2009

Man, it's hot here!  It's been about 90 degrees for the past couple days and I have to say, those extra pounds I put back on my frame are really killing me.  I'm hot as can be, I sweat like a maniac and all I feel like doing is sitting around.  The weather should be getting more Spring-like tomorrow.  I need to get things under control by the beginning of Summer or it's going to be brutal for me.

I am still considering the other weight loss company and maybe they would be willing to team up with me.  They could help me lose weight and I could spread the Donate My Weight philosophy to their other clients.  There is a lot of potential to do some good things here, but I don't know if they'd be willing to work with me.  I am also trying to reconcile things in my mind, because it stinks to have to reach out and ask for help.  I was so sure I could do this on my own.

04/24/2009

Things are going ok here, though still rough.  No weight gained and no weight lost.  I'm seriously considering reaching out to a certain weight loss company and asking for help.  I want so much to lose this weight, but I am having so many problems.  Maybe it's time to ask for some help and try something new...

I'm not positive about that yet and no matter what I choose, I will keep trying to lose weight and I will definitely keep Donate My Weight going strong.  Actually, that's my focus right now.  I don't want people to completely give up on me and I don't want to shaft the food banks from the food that has been pledged on my half.  I also know there would be a lot of publicity and I also believe that publicity would generate even more donations.

I just feel like a huge failure right now.  I can't seem to find a job, I can't seem to lose weight and I worry that I'm about to blow this huge opportunity to do something great.  For all the times I told other people to be gentle on themselves and cut themselves a little slack, you'd think I would take my own advice.  I'm too damn stubborn sometimes.

04/21/2009

I received some tremendous news today from Wegmans... they're arranging for the first shipment of food to go to Second Harvest Food Bank on my behalf!  That's 20,000 lbs of food that the local food bank will have to distribute to hungry people in the Lehigh Valley area!  I don't have the specific dates yet, but I will get them to everyone as soon as it's set in stone.

It's a little disappointing that I haven't reached my half-way goal yet... who am I kidding.  It's A LOT disappointing, but something much bigger than my weight loss is happening and that's the real story here.  Thousands of people will be fed through a little idea my wife and I had called 'Donate My Weight' and the generosity of the people at Wegmans.  That's what truly counts.

I talked with one of the Service Managers who explained that the company still believes in me and they have no doubt I will reach my goals (I sure worry about it sometimes), but in light of the current economy, they thought the time was right to donate the food.  Bill, the Manager, also told me not to think about the halfway mark, because they weren't thinking that way.  He told me it would be a celebration of the weight I already lost and it shows how I've inspired others.

Sometimes I lose track of the big picture and I get all bogged down in my own problems.  The phone call from Bill was a good reminder that even when things might not be going great for me, there's still the opportunity to step outside of my own problems and help other people.  I feel very lucky to have such strong supporters like Wegmans and all the others who have sent me encouraging messages or stopped me on the street and told me how much this campaign has touched them. 

I never thought it would go this far, or that in the midst of not losing weight the way the way I had hoped, I'd still be able to look at this website and not feel terrible.  I set myself up in the beginning of this campaign.  I arranged the pieces so that I would either lose the weight or face a colossal embarrassment that would make me feel ashamed beyond belief.  In retrospect, that was a really harsh thing to do to myself, just like the way I beat myself up whenever I eat something I probably should have avoided.  

Why are overweight people so hard on themselves?  Is it because we don't like the person we see in the mirror and that makes it ok to be nasty?  When I meet someone else who is overweight, their weight doesn't even cross my mind and I certainly don't judge them because of the way they look.  Why then, do I judge myself? 

04/19/2009

Today, my little baby Allana, is one month old.  It's amazing how much they grow in just a short period of time.  When she was first born, she slept almost the entire day and when she was awake, she sort of zoned out and laid there.  Now, she stares at Andrea and me, mimics us when we stick out our tongue or make the "Oooooh" face and yesterday, she rolled over from her belly to her back!

I know the books say she's supposed to do it around 3-4 months or later, but sure as I'm sitting here, she did it on my mom's living room rug.  My mom recently had some surgery and Andrea, Allana and I spent a few nights at her house to help out with things.  They were talking about Allana and how her she is growing so fast, when on a whim, my mom suggested putting her on her belly to see if she'd roll over.

I don't think any of us expected it, but she did it!  She laid on her belly and almost immediately, flipped to her right side, then flipped the rest of the way over.  None of us thought she would really do it so we didn't grab a video camera or even the camera phone.  Oops. 

In diet news, I am having good days and bad days, but keeping the line at 390 lbs.  It's been rough and I'm not going to make any more excuses.  I'm also not quitting on myself and everyone else, just trying to get over this hump.  I stand by the addiction thing I wrote last week and it's really similar to that feeling.  But I'll beat it in the end, or I'll die trying.  I just hope it's not me dieing of old age before I beat it...

04/14/2009

It's two weeks after my last post and I've had quite a ride.  To start off with, I gained 6 lbs.  I know it sucks and aside from on this website, my friends in Cape May are also going to see it because I entered into that challenge with Terry O'Brien.  Both our current weights are going to be published in Exit Zero magazine every week until the end of August. 

The fact that people might think I'm going to fail or laugh at my gaining weight back doesn't bother me.  I've been called a lot of things in my life and nasty comments may hurt me for awhile, but it's temporary.  The most important thing to me is that I lose the weight and donate the food to the food bank. 

Someone recently told me that I was letting everyone down and the people who donated to the food bank probably feel cheated since I gained weight back.  I am sincerely sorry to anyone who feels I let them down.  Losing weight is the hardest thing I've ever done and it seems to be a lot of small victories that add up to a big win, with plenty of setbacks and struggles along the way.  But I still don't understand how anyone could feel cheated, knowing that they helped feed someone who was going hungry.

I wasn't so sure before, but I truly believe now that food can be like an addiction.  I was eating a piece of cake on Easter and someone else said to me, 'You shouldn't be eating that.  This is the reason you can't lose weight.'  It's a phrase that I hear all the time and let me tell you, it hurts.  You wouldn't put a glass of Jack Daniels in front of an alcoholic and then say to him when he drinks it, 'See.  That's why you can't beat alcohol.'  Imagine handing a cigarette to a smoker who is trying to quit and saying to him when he inevitably smokes it, 'You shouldn't be smoking that. '

When I was young, both my parents were smokers.  It was just the way things were in the 70's, the dangers of smoking weren't so obvious like they are now.  I remember when they both quit and I also remember how hard it was for them.  They couldn't be around anyone who was smoking, because it was too much of a temptation.  I also remember seeing both of them having cigarettes after they officially quit.  It's the nature of the beast, it happens to virtually everyone and the lure of whatever is the addictive force is something that doesn't go away for years. 

Imagine what it must be like for someone to be addicted to food and have to quit eating the foods that call out to them.  There's unhealthy food all around me and unlike an alcoholic, a smoker or even a drug user, I can't do what Nancy Reagan said and "just say no."    Instead, I have to learn to eat in moderation and make better choices.  Tell someone who is trying to quit smoking that he HAS to smoke, but it can only be one cigarette a day.  Tell a recovering alcoholic that he HAS to drink, but he can only have one a day. 

I'm not trying to make excuses and I take 100% of the blame for gaining some of the weight back, but I do want people to know situation. The past two weeks have also been really hectic with the baby, the Easter weekend and I had to make a quick trip to Cape May to finalize the book.  I spent this past Wednesday and Thursday in Cape May, writing 400 captions and helping my publisher with the final edits. 

Andrea had to stay at home with the baby, so it was a solo trip for me which is something I hate.  You'd think the freedom would be fun, but I get anxious on trips away from home anyway and when I'm by myself, the panic attacks get worse.  It's just one of those things that I can't really change, so I learn to deal with it.  The medicine helps a lot.  I didn't eat like crazy down there, but I did eat junk while I was working and I didn't get to walk like I normally would.

My book is finished though, 300 pages with 750 really nice pictures of Cape May.   I wrote it to detail the island's long history, in time for this year's 400th anniversary.  It'll be released in the summer with the title 'The First Resort.'  That feels pretty good and I hope people like it. 

Anyway, my mom made a point to me about this weight loss that really hit home.  She asked me if I remembered how hard it was for me when my dad died, which of course I did.  It's still really hard, 5 years later.  Then she said, think of everything you went through and then think about whether or not you want Allana to have to go through the same thing. 

It's inevitable that I will die one day, but if I don't lose the weight, that day will come much sooner than it has to and Allana will have to grow up without a daddy.  It tears me up to think of that happening to her.   

03/29/2009

Another day, another opportunity.  I'm going to go 'enjoy' two hard-boiled eggs and try again today.

03/28/2009

In the past week, I somehow gained 5 lbs.  I didn't even know it was possible to do that in one week.  This stinks and I'm feeling like a huge failure.  Luckily, all my friends and family read this, so they can see how I've screwed up.  Truth be told, I haven't been eating as healthy as I should or having regular meals like I should be, with the weird hours we're keeping with the baby.  Even so, I thought the worst I would see is a lb or two. 

I never even considered that I could see 5 lbs in one freaking week.  What also sucks about this is the fact that I just sent an email to hundreds of people about how motivated I am to move forward and do well.  And I really do believe I will get back on track and finish the weight loss.  I just screwed up at one of the worst possible times and now I look like a fool. 

I still feel like I can lose this weight, but I'm getting scared now.  What if I don't succeed, what if I gain it all back and then some?  Holy crap.  I'll be dead in the next few years.  As much as I don't want that to happen, I still keep putting the damn food in my mouth and not going to the gym as much as I should.  What the hell?

There's a weight loss challenge that's about to start with another columnist in Exit Zero, the magazine I write for in Cape May, and I had every confidence that I would win it easily.  Now I'm not so sure.  The best part of the whole arrangement is that it will be published every week in the magazine, with our progress out there for the thousands of readers to see.  If I crash and burn, I get to do it in front of everyone.

And don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not.  It's just a crappy feeling to know the only person standing between you and getting exactly what you want... is yourself.  I've done it to myself for years and for the life of me, I don't know why.  There's been hundreds of days like today over the past 10 years. 

If my Dad was here, he'd tell me I tried to lose weight the natural way and it's just not working, so I should talk to my doctor about the weight gastric bypass surgery.  I know that's true, because he said the exact same thing to me before he died.  Of course that was 5 years ago and I have neither lost the weight on my own or taken his advice. 

I think I need to get my mouth wired shut or something.  I wonder if they still do that.  Quitting drinking seemed like it was a hell of a lot easier than this.  Well, what can I do but keep on trying?  I have this challenge starting in a few days and maybe this is what I need, to be kicked in the rear end. 

I know people reading this might be tempted to write to me and try to encourage me or go the tough-love approach, but please just let me work through this one on my own.  Tough love never works for me anyway, it just makes me feel worse.  Plus, nobody could say anything to me that I haven't said a million times in my head.  Believe me.  

For those close friends and family members reading this, please keep the faith.   I hope I haven't embarrassed anyone with my setbacks or my very-public journal of them all, but I promised in the beginning that I would be honest with people, good or bad.  I've tried really hard to help people with all of this and that's what it's all about to me.  As hard as it may be to read these blogs sometimes, consider how hard it is to write them...

03/23/2009

It's been a couple days since the birth and I am still amazed by the process.  I have a hard time fathoming how two tiny cells could come together and over time, produce a baby.  I realize science has all the technical explanations for what happens, but to me, it's a true miracle. 

Andrea and Allana are doing well and we're home from the hospital.  The whole experience was overwhelming (in a good way) and I think we are all recovering from the experience.  I forgot to mention that in the delivery room along with Andrea and me, were Andrea's cousin Abbey, my stepdaughter Alexandra and my mom.  All three of them added to the experience and made the birth extra-special for Andrea and me.

It was the first grandchild my mom had been there to welcome into the world and I think she loved it.  Abbey is in school to become a nurse, so along with being there for Andrea and me, she also took lots of time to explain things to Alex.  Incidentally, Alexandra was super-brave and I was very impressed with how well she handled herself. 

She was engaged, curious and not the least bit scared.  I know if I was seven years old and in the room when my mom gave birth, I probably would have passed out.  Not Alex, though, she was great about it all.  We gave her a special 'big sister' shirt for her efforts and her brother, Jordan, got some books on how to draw comic strips. 

Jordan is becoming a good artist and he has a strong interest in drawing, so it seemed like a good fit.  We got to spend a couple days with the kids before they headed to their dad's house for the weekend.  While they were gone, I took two of the best pictures I had of them with Allana and had 8X10's printed out.  I had the pictures in frames and waiting for them when they came home after school today. 

I have a lot of faith in the two of them, that they will be a strong part of Allana's life and be there for her when she needs them as she grows older.  They're good kids and I know they'll get along just fine with her.  Allana's already set with two parents, a brother and a sister who all love her like crazy.

In other news, I went back to the gym today.  It was a nice workout, though my back is killing me.  I twisted it when I was in the hospital with Andrea and it doesn't seem to be getting better.  It probably doesn't help that I am not taking it easy and constantly moving.  Then again, I have a newborn baby in the house.  Who has time to take it easy? 

I am rededicating myself to the diet and exercise program again, trying to keep Allana in my mind and using my desire to be around for her as a catalyst to keep moving.  I want to see her grow up, to watch her graduate and cry at her wedding.  I can't wait to cheer her on in youth sports or watch her school recitals.  There's so many wonderful things to look forward to and if I don't lose this weight, I will miss them all.

03/20/2009

My little girl was born last night!  At 10:02pm, Allana Kateri Miller made her entrance into the world, weighing 6 lbs, 15 oz and measuring 20 inches long.  It's really hard to put into words all the things that are going through my head right now.  I stood next to Andrea while she gave birth, holding her hand and trying to take it all in.  The craziest thing about the night is how in one instant, my whole life changed in a way I never expected.

Going into the evening, I was nervous and excited, worried about all the things that could go wrong with Andrea or the baby.  My main focus was on Andrea, because she's been the most important person in my life from the time I began dating her.  If  something ever happened to her, I would be lost and my stepchildren would be without a mother.  It scared the hell out of me. 

I was also concerned about the baby, but he/she was an intangible to me at that point.  I looked forward to bonding with the baby over time after the birth, but until I saw the baby with my own eyes, the whole thing still didn't seem real to me.  It's so hard for a dad to fully comprehend that there is a living, breathing person inside the mother.  Without feeling the kicking and movement the mother experiences, it all seemed surreal.

When the moment came and I saw that sweet little girl for the first time, it hit me like a grand piano falling from a skyscraper- I was in love.  She looked so beautiful, which is pretty impressive considering the way babies look when they first come out.  She really did though, and I am not ashamed to admit I cried like a champ.   It was such a powerful, emotional feeling in there and it totally overcame me. 

Almost immediately, I cut the umbilical cord and a good amount of blood shot up my arm.  There's a reason I bring it up and I do know how gross it may sound.  The thing is, I looked at the blood and kind of thought, 'Hmmm,' then just turned my attention back to the baby.  I actually forgot about it until we were preparing to move to the maternity ward and I looked down.   

Now, if you know me, you know I have always been disgusted by other people's bodily fluids touching me- blood, spit, mucus (from sneezing), etc.  I don't like it because of the many germs out there and I have a general dislike for seeing the inside parts of other people.  It's different when it's my own blood, then I don't mind at all.  I'm actually quite terrible about letting blood sit on my arms and legs when I have a minor cut and not taking the time to clean it off.  It doesn't hurt and I forget it's there.  Plus, I am always getting cut or scraped from God-knows-what and usually, I don't even realize when it happens.

Anyway,  I understood later that the blood from the cord didn't faze me, because in my head, I equated it with my own blood.  I instantly knew that the baby was a part of me.  That theory was later cemented when I changed her diaper and instead of being thoroughly grossed out like I expected, I took it in stride.  My unconscious mind had wired it into my brain that this was not just some baby, she was my little girl and it was up to me to protect her and take care of her as best I could. 

Like I said, it all happened in an instant.  I thought I would look down at her for the first time and be proud, but I had no idea how strong that paternal instinct would be.  I wanted to pick her right up, to hold her close to me and make sure she was all right.  I know basically nothing about what needs to be done with a newly-birthed baby, yet I was all for taking over control of the situation to make sure she was properly taken care of.  I just wanted to be there for her and look out for her.

Luckily, I kept my mouth shut and left it in the capable hands of the nurse and midwife.   The little voice in my head told me that I had to do it because it was probably not a good idea to let the guy who didn't even know how to change a diaper, make medical decisions on the baby's behalf.  And truth be told, the nurse and midwife were absolutely fantastic.  They made the process as calming an comfortable for Andrea as humanly possible (without heavy medication) and they took tremendous care of my sweet Allana.  What more could I ask for?

I have to say that the proudest moment of my life was standing in that delivery room, when they handed Allana to me and I cradled her in my arms.  My time in the Navy, graduating from college, getting married... none of it compared with the pride I felt as I looked into those bright, beautiful blue eyes. 

It may be cliché to talk about the 'miracle of birth,' but there really is no other way to describe the whole process.  I'm just so grateful that I was given the gift of 'Daddy's little girl.'

03/18/2009

The excitement was intense tonight... Andrea started to have contractions and according to our timing, it seemed like the time had come to call the Midwife.  She had us come in and she checked Andrea out, but ended up sending us home.  The Midwife is awesome and told us she expects the baby will come either later tonight or tomorrow morning. 

If the baby doesn't come by tomorrow morning, we have to go back to her office and she will check the situation again.  I'll tell you what- the anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks when Andrea told me she was having contractions.  I took my medicine and tried to keep it together before it kicked in. 

Turns out, I actually did pretty well, though there were a few times I really thought I was going to have the mack daddy of all panic attacks.  It all started coming on like a freight train and it was especially powerful because there's all those normal expectant father fears/anxieties/excitement in there too.  But I did ok and I have complete faith that Andrea will too when the time comes.

I don't know if I've written it in here before, but I truly believe meeting Andrea was the best thing that ever happened to me.  She, and those two kids changed my life in a way I had never imagined.  Even with all the weight struggles I have and the panic attacks that bring me to my knees at times, the three of them make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.  Soon, we'll welcome a fourth person to the mix and my life will change again!

03/17/2009

Today's a great and a terrible day, all wrapped up in one.  Great because it very well might turn out to be the day that my baby boy or girl is born and terrible because I gained two lbs back.  I kind of expected it wouldn't be wonderful when I weighed myself this morning, because things have been really hectic here the past week and my diet hasn't been as good as it could have been.  Plus, and I realize this isn't the greatest reason, but I am have been anxious out of my mind about this baby and I know that has had an impact on my eating.

I appreciate everyone sticking with me through the ups and downs of this whole diet program and I can understand if anyone has started to lose confidence in my ability to lose all 230 lbs.  Please know that I haven't lost confidence and in the end, these hard days will make the final victory feel even better.  There's a lot that I could say, but in the end, it's all talk.  I need to just be quiet and prove myself. 

Of course, if I didn't talk about what I was thinking and going through, these blogs would be awfully boring...  Hopefully, I will have some news about the baby by tomorrow!

03/16/2009

It's been an interesting and busy couple of days!  I am really excited to say that Donate My Weight is now a registered 'Cause' on Facebook.  That means people can join it with their Facebook account and donate directly to the national Feeding America organization on behalf of Donate My Weight.  In one day, it's already raised $60, so that's great!

I'm also proud to announce that there will be a new Donate My Weight page going up shortly in Canada, run by a new friend of mine who is joining the DMW team and taking the Donate My Weight campaign internationally!  I encourage anyone who is interested in donating their own weight to also create a web page for people to track their progress and donate to their local food banks.  It's a great way to keep your friends and family in the loop, while also raising awareness for what we're trying to do.

The only restriction to using the 'Donate My Weight' name is that it must be 100% philanthropic, meaning that all money and food raised must go to a legitimate food bank like those in the Feeding America network.  Nobody operating under the name of 'Donate My Weight' should be accepting personal donations or using the program for their own personal gain. 

There is a personal gain to Donate My Weight, don't get me wrong.  It's just not what you may think, it's all intrinsic.  There's a great satisfaction that comes with helping others and the knowledge that you've helped even one person is the real reward here.  Money is fleeting, but those types of good feelings can last a lifetime.

I have some other really exciting news too- Andrea is getting ready to give birth any day now!!! She has been insisting for weeks that she will give birth on March 17, ST. Patrick's day.  Not necessarily because of the holiday, she just likes the date... Seriously.  The best part of the whole thing is that we just got home from a Midwife appointment and apparently, she's already 2-3 centimeters dilated!  I said to the midwife, "So there's a good chance she'll give birth this week?"  Her reply was, "There's no doubt, she absolutely WILL give birth this week."

So as you can imagine, I am anxious, happy, concerned, excited, etc.  Basically, I'm going out of my mind and the emotions seem to range from extreme anxiety and panic to this wonderful blissful feeling.  The whole pregnancy and birthing process just blows my mind.

03/11/2009

So I weighed in today an apparently, I am not losing weight.  It's a great thing that I'm not gaining it either but it's sort of defeating the purpose of what I'm trying to do.  I keep going around and around in my head to figure out what the problem is and how I can get around it.  I did so well last year and then it all came to a standstill.

I realize there are times I'm eating things I should avoid, but I also know that I should be at a calorie deficit each day, meaning I should be losing weight.   Well, I'm not and I'm not happy with it and it's really getting embarrassing.  The whole world can see me struggling on here and not losing weight.  You know how embarrassing that is after all my promises?

The thing is, I know I can lose this weight and I know I WILL lose this weight.  I just don't understand why it's all come to a standstill now.  Misty will tell me I should be in the gym more and she's probably right, but I also need to get a handle on the emotional eating that I'm doing.  Even though it's nowhere near the stuff or the amount I used to eat, it is apparently sabotaging me.

I'm rethinking what I have been doing and I've decide to make a few changes.  This whole diet is a work-in-progress and if something doesn't work, I need to accept it and move on.  The cheat day thing isn't working out and I feel like it's reinforcing bad habits.  I had good intentions when I started it and things were well in the beginning, but it went off track somewhere along the middle of last year. 

I think the reason I went off track was because I was working towards being able to cheat on my diet, rather than working to stay healthy and rewarding my progress.  At the same time, I was eating all sorts of crap on cheat days and when I would still lose weight that week, it reinforced that I could get away with it.  The big problem came when I let all the steam of dieting and food restriction build up for a couple weeks and then I opened the flood gates.  I was instilling a terrible habit that I honestly believe would have eventually caused me to gain the weight back in the end.

The idea behind the day was still a good one, rewarding hard work and kick-starting my metabolism, but that could be done with one meal (within reason) rather than a 24 hour free-for-all.  In rethinking what my doctor told me, it occurs to me that he was suggesting something along the lines of a reward day with one slightly higher meal, rather than a full-day binge.  I think wishful thinking on my part is what led me down the wrong road.

I was also researched what the Biggest Loser does and it turns out, they don't do the whole cheat day thing in the same way I was.  What their trainer, Bob, actually said was-

In rereading the words, I picked up "a high calorie meal" and "scoop of mac n' cheese."  He was talking about one meal, not a full day!  Oops.  I can see how one meal would be a good way to release temptation and help boost the metabolism, without absolutely killing the progress.  It also allows me to experience eating in the real world outside diet food and learn how to enjoy that food without overindulging. 

Life is meant to be enjoyed and as long as we eat healthy 20 of 21 meals a week, cutting yourself a little slack on that one last meal is perfectly acceptable.  That's not to say I can hit 'all-you-can-eat buffets' each weekend, but I believe it is ok to have a burger and fries or a pork chop with mashed potatoes once a week.  It's the moderation thing and if I do it right, it will prevent the bad habit of restricting and binging that I was slowly teaching myself.

So this is what I'm going to do- Starting this coming Sunday, I'm going to go about my diet like normal all week- 1500 calories.  I will work out like I am supposed to be doing, 3-4 times a week and weigh in on Friday.  Over the weekend, I will allow myself one meal to eat what I want within reason, but eat healthy the rest of the day and exercise that day.  There will be no free-for-all, no all day cheating and most importantly, no unhealthy motivations. 

By eliminating the multiple weeks of heavy restriction in a row, I will cut that steam before it builds up to a boiling point.  At the same time, I will also become more adept at enjoying 'good food' without overindulging like I had been doing on cheat days.  It's a great way to learn how to eat once I reach my weight loss goal and I will still need to maintain my weight.  When that day comes, I will still eat healthy nine times out of ten or more, but there will always be special meals or family holidays where I enjoy good food.

Hopefully, this will help me move that damn scale in the next week or two, because I'm at my wits end...

03/09/2009

It's early in the morning now, I only slept about 2 1/2 hours last night.  I just couldn't get to sleep and once I did, I kept waking up.  A lot on my mind, you know?

I hard-boiled some eggs yesterday, but I'm not hungry yet so I'll wait until later for breakfast.  I'm thinking that I'll have a Lean Cuisine meal for lunch and then a stuffed pepper for dinner.  Hmmmm, sounds good.  I'd rather have some General Tso's chicken or a burger and fries.  Then again, I'd much rather lose weight and be healthy again. 

I'm going to try to reset the whole lent thing today and give it another shot.  I realize it's too late for the religious abstaining principal, but I also believe that God knows how hard I was trying.  I really was and to screw it up by cheating so early in the whole thing makes me feel stupid.  I just have to jump back on board and try not to focus on the negative stuff.  The first part is a whole lot easier than the second...

I received an interesting e-mail from a fellow columnist at Exit Zero in Cape May, Terry O'Brien.   Terry mentioned that he had taken a few jabs at me in his recent column (good-natured) and wondered why I hadn't responded.  The interesting thing is, I hadn't seen the new edition yet because it takes a week before I get them via mail.  Long story short, Terry called me out on not losing weight as steadily as I had this time last year and challenged me to a weight loss competition.

As soon as I read it, I knew I had to agree to the challenge.  It was a mixture of using the competition to get me back in solid weight loss mode again and that competitive streak in me- I want to kick his butt!  The details have yet to be hammered out, but along with the challenge being tracked publicly in Exit Zero, I will also create a special page here on Donate My Weight.  Incidentally, the winner will receive a healthy dinner on the loser's dime and more importantly, he will also donate 25 lbs of food to the Community Food Bank of New Jersey, Southern Branch. 

03/07/3009

I am so sick of being sick. 

The diet didn't go so well today and that stinks.  I screwed up my lent thing.  My intentions were good and I did really well 3/4 of the time, but it only took one mistake to blow it.  This whole losing weight thing is maddening at times.

I guess tomorrow's a new day...

03/05/2009

We're back in Allentown and man, I'm wishing I was still in Cape May.... For one thing, I seem to have picked up whatever sickness Andrea has and I'm starting to feel blah.  It's crazy!  I'm been sick more in the past year since I started this diet, then I have ever been sick in my life.  I think it's probably a mixture of  bad timing and my body being a little weaker than normal from the toll of the diet. 

Even so, I am sick of my chest being congested, my throat sore and the headaches.  At least I have the summer to look forward to, with nice weather and no colds.  Being sick isn't so bad though, nothing worth complaining about.  So maybe I should probably stop complaining... hahaha!

Andrea's just about ready to give birth, which is very exciting.  She will be in her 37th week on Sunday, which is officially 'full term' according to the books.  They say that from the 37th week on, the baby just grows in size.  I like to joke with Andrea that I hope we have a 10 lb baby, but she never seems to appreciate my little joke.  Hmmmm.

The diet is going ok, though I ate a second bowl of chili last night and I ate more than I should have eaten in Cape May.  I didn't go crazy or anything and believe it or not, I completely passed on the fudge from the Original Fudge Kitchen.  It's harder than you might think, that stuff is like little chocolaty crack.  I LOVE IT! 

On the plus side, I did stop in to the Fudge Kitchen to pick up some fudge for my kids and my brother, when I ran into the owner, Joe Bogle.  He and his brother opened the Original Fudge Kitchen when they were teenagers and have been running it ever since.  They're some of the nicest guys you will meet.  Take this past snowstorm-  During the worst part of the storm on Monday, Joe called his employees and told them not to worry about braving the storm and coming into work that day.  He ran the entire store himself so they could stay home with their families and be safe.

Anyway, when I stopped by the store, we got to talking about my new Cape May book, 'The First Resort' and about Donate My Weight.  That's when Joe stunned me by saying that he not only wanted to donate on my behalf, he would sponsor my weight loss for $2 a lb!  Imagine, a candy shop, the type of place where most owners would probably want to distance themselves from the whole diet scene. 

Instead, the Fudge Kitchen chose to get involved.  Joe explained that it was because he believes in what I'm trying to do and I have to tell you, I surely appreciate that!  I remember being a kid in Cape May, spending evenings meandering around the outdoor Washington Mall with my family and stopping in the many stores.  There was always someone standing out in front of the Fudge Kitchen, holding a tray of fudge and giving out samples.  I ate plenty over the years, and bought even more!

To know that the same store that gave me such great memories as a kid is now sponsoring me in this campaign is a great feeling. 

03/02/2009

Andrea are in Cape May right now, spending a little quiet time with my mom and Nana at the Queen Victoria B&B, before the baby comes.  It all worked out, because I had some work to do down here for the book.  It's all written, but the formatting is underway and I had many of the materials I used for research to return. 

This is the first time my mom or Nana have been down here in the height of winter and it is wonderful!  As an extra surprise, a Nor'easter dumped a ton of snow on us and it's a picture-perfect view like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. It's absolutely gorgeous!!!  

I'm happy to say that even with all the snow, I have found the chance to get my exercise in and walk around town.  It wasn't the easiest thing, especially on the beach, where all the snow combined with the sand to make walking pretty difficult.  See, the bigger you are, the more you sink in the sand when you try to walk... (That's my boot in the snow on the beach).

But it's a wonderful trip and I think we are all enjoying the opportunity to sit by the warm fireplace in a gorgeous 130 year old inn, with sweeping views of a blustery snow storm outside.  Sadly, Andrea is feeling under the weather and she has spent much of the trip in bed with what we think is the flu.  I'm hoping she will feel better soon and even though she is sick, I hope she is having some fun down here.  At least the snow has made all of our extra-curricular activities mute and we are spending much of the time at the inn.

02/28/2009

I have gotten a tremendous response from that segment airing on the Rachael Ray Show an I can't thank the producers and Rachael enough for allowing me to tell my story.  Now I will wait and see how it all affects the donations and if the piece will increase donations for the food banks, who desperately need it right now.

Some of the personal stories people have shared with me were really touching and I could relate with many of them.  It seems so easy for somebody on the outside looking in, to point out where we are going wrong.  But when it's us making the mistakes, putting weight on and feeling miserable, it can be almost impossible to take back control.  I guess that's why nearly all diets fail in the end. 

There's a lot more that needs to be addressed than the amount of food we eat.  I'm hoping that I won't be a statistic here and instead, I will be one of the exceptions to the rule.  The reason I say that is because I have had such a problem with food over the years and if I can do it, then there's hope for anyone out there.  I must have tried and failed on a hundred diets, from diet pills to only eating carbs or completely avoiding fats (both of which are reported to be very unhealthy, by the way). 

Anyway, this is a huge challenge and I don't think I realized how hard it would be in the beginning.  I'm glad I didn't, though, because I might have been tempted to just forget about it.  Thankfully, that didn't happen and now, I'm 80+ lbs less and on my way to lose more.  Right now I'm at this plateau and not losing anything, but on the plus side, I'm also maintaining the weight loss and repeatedly trying to kick myself in the butt to lose more.

I am exercising a lot, mostly taking walks and walking the dog, though I have had problems being as strict as I would like with the diet.  I truly don't know why it's so hard and why I can't simply say no and walk away.  It's one of those things I will need to work on, besides actually controlling the food.  I have this strong feeling that the day will soon come when the pounds start sliding off again and I can rack up more numbers. 

I'm not one for excuses, but I can look at the impending birth of our baby boy/girl (we don't know), the fact that I still can't find a stinking job, and so many more stressors, as reasons for all the lapses in my willpower.  Then again, I once heard a great line about excuses that seems to apply here- excuses are like rear ends (they used more graphic language), everybody's got one and they all stink. 

02/26/2009

Today's the big day!!!!!  The segment on Donate My Weight airs on the Rachael Ray Show!!!!!  I can't wait to see this and I only hope I don't sound stupid.... I was really, really nervous when we taped it and I don't remember exactly what I said.  I do know I spoke from the heart and I hope that will be good enough.

I've been waiting to be able to talk about the day we taped it, because it was such an awesome experience.  Everything started about a week earlier, when the crew came to my house to film a background video of my family and me.  It took about 8 hrs to film everything and we went around to the gym, food bank, etc.  It was a fun day! around 5:30am, when Andrea and I had to be up so we could get ready and catch an early bus.  The show tapes in New York City, so it was about a 2 hour bus ride in from Bethlehem, PA.  I was able to sleep a little of the time, because I was up most of the night before.

We arrived at Port Authority around 9am and caught a taxi to Rachael's building.  The taxi was a neat experience, since it was the first time I was in a NYC taxi and they have little computer/tv things for the passenger.  The show was going to send a car to pick us up, but they figured it would be quicker and easier for us to catch a cab.

As we pulled up to the building where they tape the show, someone was waiting outside to meet us and escort us to Rachael's studio.    Right from the start, the show's staff was extremely friendly and accommodating.   We were brought into a private room and another production assistant showed up with a really nice cut fruit platter and a fancy ice bucket with different sodas and water.

I was extremely nervous by that point, though I think I hid it well.   I even asked to hold one of the show's big awards for a picture and believe it or not, they let me!    Then, they took me up to makeup and hair, for a quick powdering and some brown makeup stuff.  When I was finished, the producer escorted us up to the audience holding area, where we hung out until it was time for me to go on.

There was also a camera crew in there that apparently works with Tori Spelling's new reality show and another guest for a segment about a makeover.  Both were very friendly and we had the chance to spend a good deal of time talking with the makeover person.  The room was really cold and she had on a sleeveless shirt, so Andrea loaned the woman her sweater.  Isn't my wife a sweetie?

I was able to watch a monitor in the room and see the other segments before me, Tori and then a neat segment with Evette, who does different projects with Rachael.  Before I knew it, the stage manager walked in the room and said, "Ben Miller, we're ready for you!"  She was so happy and inviting, yet I thought my heart was going to stop. 

The manager led me backstage to wait, while the crew was cleaning the set from the previous segment.  I could get a peak here or there of what was out there, but most of it was covered up by elaborate sets.  I could also hear Rachael talking to the audience and her crew, joking with them and putting everyone at ease.

I felt something on my hand and looked down to see the stage manager grabbing my hand to lead me onto the set.  Everything came rushing through my head at once and just when I thought I was going to faint from the nerves, I heard, "Hi Ben!" from Rachael Ray.  "Come on over and have a seat," she beckoned, motioning to her couch.  As I situated myself on the couch, she joked to me about her having to jump up onto it.

The video package her crew shot at my house was playing on the big screen and as we watched it together, Rachael and I talked briefly about Andrea and me.  Rachael really seemed to like her, which was cool because Andrea is a big fan of hers.  Then the video was over and Rachael introduced me to the audience.  The interview seemed to go by so fast and all I remember about it was that Rachael was easy to talk with and I was shaking like a leaf.  Seriously, my leg was literally going a mile a minute.

After the interview, Rachael and I had a brief conversation about things and then she gave me a hug.  I really appreciated the way she treated me and she was just as nice off the air as she was when the cameras were rolling.  The producers led Andrea and me down to the lobby and they had a nice black Cadillac waiting to take us back to the bus station. 

All in all, it was a tremendous experience and I am hoping that once I lose all the weight, Rachael and her producers might have me back on the show.  I'd love to be able to show all her viewers that it is entirely possible to make a goal, even one as large as my 230 lb goal, and work hard to meet it.  Maybe it would help inspire others who were having difficulties controlling their own weight.  I know all too well, the pain and frustration that goes along with trying to diet and failing.

So thank you to Rachael Ray, all her producers and staff and of course, my lovely wife, who has stood by my side since the very beginning.  She's my rock and my inspiration!

02/24/2009

I am sore today!  Yesterday's workout in the gym was a good one and my legs feel like jello.  I still haven't lost a stinking pound for this week, but one of these days it's going to come off.  Either that or I'm going to cut off a leg.  Well, maybe I'm not that die hard...

The diet was a bit rough today and I let all the nerves and stress get to me.  I made an awesome pot roast dinner for the family and I ate more of it than I should have eaten.  I'm going to have to work my butt off in the gym tomorrow (Literally).

This afternoon I was looking at the calendar and I realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of lent.  I'm not the most religious person in the traditional sense, meaning that I don't attend church regularly and I don't know the bible as well as I should. That being said, I believe strongly in God and I make it a point to be thankful for the many blessings in my life on a daily basis.    It's just that I have never been too involved with other religious holidays besides Christmas and Easter.

So I'm going to do something I've never done before- I'm going to celebrate lent.  That means for the next 40 days and 40 nights, I will focus on prayer, work extra hard with Donate My Weight and the big one.... I'm going to give something up.   I went around and around in my head, trying to decide which vice I should try and avoid, when the answer hit me like a smack in the head.  I will give up eating more than 1500 calories a day. 

That means no cheat days until Easter and even more importantly, no overeating or slipping on my diet.  If I eat something that I should have avoided, then I will have to eat less the rest of the day to make up for it.  It's really nothing more than I did in the beginning of 2008 and things worked really well for me back then.

So from this moment until Sunday, April 12, I am celebrating lent.  No cheat days for the next 6 weeks...  You'd think I would be scared about this challenge, but it actually feel really good to me.  I feel like the timing is perfect to jumpstart things with the diet and maybe this is somebody's way of giving me a kick in the pants.  It's a win-win-win situation, like Donate My Weight itself!

02/22/2009

Well, I've had some time to sleep on everything and I have to say, I still feel pretty terrible.  The pressure is intense from my family and even more so from inside my own head.  Whenever I make a mistake, I feel like I'm letting the world down and that only makes things worse. 

To answer my question from last night, there's no way I'm going to give up and fall back into that eating and gaining weight cycle.  I'm going to do the only thing I can do right now.  I'm going to jump right back on the diet and try to lose weight.  It's Sunday and my day is pretty well booked, but I will hit the gym bright and early tomorrow morning and walk my butt off on the treadmill.  In the meantime, I will eat healthy foods and watch my portions.

That's what I can do.  I tell people all the time to be gentle on themselves and not give up when they have a bad day.  I just have to keep following that advice.  It feels like there is a huge barricade in my mind that is causing me grief with the diet portion of this whole thing and I wish I knew what it was.   I need to figure out what it is somehow and overcome it. 

Until I face whatever is inside of me holding me back, I will not be able to meet the goal.  Even if I do somehow, if I fail to deal with the underlying issues, the weight could potentially come right back on.  I hate to keep using Biggest Loser as an example, but consider what happened to their first winner.  He lost a ton of weight but never dealt with the reason he had gained it in the first place and he ended up putting all the weight back on. 

Who knows how I am going to be able to figure this out, but I will certainly do my best to work on it.  I think a lot of it has to do with my panic attacks and I use food as a way to make me feel more in control of things. I know it sounds dumb, but whenever everything else seems to be out of my control, maybe the eating is a place where I'm completely in control.  I don't know.  It's just a theory.

I hope people can understand what I'm going through and don't feel like I let them down.  This thing is far from over and I'm certainly not giving up.  It's not a matter of feeling sorry for myself, it's more a case of trying to understand it so I can be as successful as possible in the future. 

In the beginning of this year, I pledged to lose at least the same amount of weight I lost in 2008 and I totally stand by that.  I absolutely guarantee that by the end of 2009, I will step on the scale and weigh 299 lbs (at the very most).  It would be nice if I could get to my goal of 230 lbs, but I'm not going to lay such a huge burden on my shoulders.  80 lbs is hard enough...

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It's a few hours later now and oddly enough, the scale shows me back at the 377 weight.  It seems I got all upset for not reason and the surprising thing is that all the food I ate yesterday didn't cause me to gain weight itself.  Hmmm.

This diet business is surely a confusing thing.  I think I'm on to something with the panic attacks holding me back from losing more weight.  I believe that I eat as a way of controlling something in my life when I feel like everything else is beyond my control.  Now I have to find a way to get past that.  For now, I'm off to make an omelet with lots of steamed onions and lots of hot sauce.

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It's 7pm now and it's been an eventful day.  Andrea and I did our monthly volunteering gig at WRRS Radprin, the radio station for the blind.  Afterwards, we met our good friend, John (he married us in Cape May), and his girlfriend, Stephanie, for dinner at a local Chinese place.  I ate a ton of that broccoli that comes in chicken and broccoli, but I digress...

Andrea and I decided awhile ago to ask John to be our baby's Godfather, because he's been a good friend of mine for many years and he's an all-around great guy.   We look at the position of 'Godfather' as someone who will be a friend and confidant of the baby, a a constant supporter throughout his or her life and I can't think of anyone better to fill the role than 'G'. 

So Andrea and I picked today as the day to ask him and we popped the question over dinner.  I'm happy to say John agreed and now instead of 'Reverend John,' it's 'Godfather John'...  I don't know whether we will have a little Alanna or a Leo, but either way, that baby will surely be loved by his or her Godfather!

02/21/2009

Today was a terrible day.  I stepped on the scale and found that instead of losing weight, I GAINED a pound.  What the heck?!?!?

Then, to make matters worse, I got all upset and ate some things that I shouldn't have eaten.  I know, I'm stupid.  I know... 

So now, I gained a stinking pound back and who knows what damage I did with all the food I ate today when I was feeling bad.  This kills me.  I'm about to be on national television in a few days for this weight loss program that is helping others and I go and cheat on the diet.  I don't understand myself.  I really don't.

It's not like I don't want to lose weight and it's certainly not like I don't want to keep raising food and money donations for others.  I want both of those things terribly, which is so confusing because I don't know why I'd sabotage myself and prevent them from happening.  I just don't understand why I'm acting like this and I'm feeling like a huge failure.  Pun intended.

How can somebody want something so bad, know exactly what they have to do to get it, but then fail to do what they need to do?  Why would somebody do that?  I don't understand and the more I think and obsess over it, the less it makes sense.  And what do I do now?  Do I feel sorry for myself and fall back into that spiral of eating and gaining weight?

The answer seems obvious, but who knows anymore?  I am feeling tremendously defeated right now.

02/19/2009

I got awesome news yesterday and I'm so excited to tell everyone that I will be appearing on the Rachael Ray Show on Thursday, February 26!!!!!! I still have to keep the details of what happened to myself until after it airs, but I promise to talk about it all afterwards.  I will tell you this one thing- Rachael Ray is just as warm and friendly in person as she appears on TV. 

More details coming soon (after next Thursday).

02/17/2009

Good morning.  It's early in the day and I woke up to a lovely panic attack.  I had a terrible nightmare about not being a good father and it was one of those kind of dreams that could actually happen.  The gist of it is that I lost my temper over something stupid and I went all crazy yelling and saying hurtful things.  I woke up feeling terrible, worrying about what kind of Dad I will be and in the beginnings of a panic attack.

I was able to use my skills to deescalate things, but it kept coming back, so I had to take the medicine.   It was so powerful because the fear of not being good enough as a dad is one of my biggest worries.  I imagine it's probably like that for all first time dads and since Alex and Jordan were 4/7 years old when I first came into their life, this will be my first time as a daddy to a baby.  Plus, this baby won't have a dad and step-dad like Jordan and Alex, I'm the only dad he or she will get. 

I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and Lord knows I've made more than a few mistakes, but this is a chance to start with a clean slate and be the best dad/husband that I can be.  I want to be the kind of supportive, loving dad that I had growing up.  My dad wasn't perfect, nobody really is, but he was a good man who genuinely loved his family and worked hard to take care of us and keep us happy.  That's the kind of dad that I want to be.

My main worry is the way I deal with stress.  All my life, stress has hit me hard and though I didn't start having panic attacks until the Navy, I have always felt heavy pressure during taxing times.  I have a tendency to zone out from the rest of the world and focus intensely on whatever I'm trying to do.  If other people interrupt me or try to talk to me, I can get frustrated and angry.  I don't mean to be treat people around me badly when I'm stressed, it's an automatic response that happens without thinking and I'm trying hard to stop it. 

There's a saying that I love, 'Every Saint has a past and every Sinner has a future.'  I like to think of it when I'm being hard on myself.  It reminds me that nobody's perfect and as long as I'm still alive, there's always an opportunity to improve myself. 

In diet news, I am looking forward to a really good day.  I will make it my mission to get through the day and then once I do, I will focus on tomorrow.  I think part of my problem sometimes is that I try to think about it all at once and I get overwhelmed.  It's a lot easier to lose 5 lbs than 230 lbs and it's a whole lot easier to focus on eating healthy one day, then to think about doing it the rest of my life. 

I went to Olive Garden with Andrea for lunch yesterday and we both enjoyed soup, salad and breadsticks.  We also shared this baked cheese appetizer thing, which I probably should have avoided.  At least I didn't order my old Olive Garden standby, the Tour of Italy.  Delicious lasagna, cheesy fettuccini with alfredo and some rockin chicken parmesan. 

They say it's the small battles that really matter, so I guess I did a good job.  Even so, I walked out of the restaurant beating myself up over the appetizer.  I wonder if I will ever get past my issues with food, even after I lose all the weight?  It it going to be like an alcoholic that can't even have a sip of alcohol without the possibility of falling off the wagon? 

02/14/2009

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days, life has been hectic.  We were in NYC on Wednesday, then we traveled down to Cape May on Thursday for a meeting.  We headed back to Allentown on Friday and my mom teamed up with Andrea's mom to throw my lovely wife a really nice baby shower this morning.

As hurried as things have been, I think we all had a really nice week.  Andrea and I took the kids to Cape May and we stayed at the Queen Victoria B&B, which is always great.  We've gotten to become friends with the owners and they went out of their way to make sure the kids enjoyed themselves.  Doug and Anna Marie (the owners/innkeepers) are all-around good people and I'm proud to say, supporters of Donate My Weight.  Both Alex and Jordan were very well-behaved and they made us proud.

The kids loved seeing Cape May in the Winter, when it's a veritable ghost town.  They ran up and down the beach, searching for shells and chasing seagulls.  It was a great trip and even though it was only a day, it felt like much more because we fit in a ton of activities.  The icing on the cake for the kids was a quick sojourn to the Naval Air Station Museum, while I met with my publisher.  To say they loved it would be a gross understatement!

The shower this morning was awesome and we both appreciated everything our mom's did a whole lot!  They decorated the room so beautifully and the food was wonderful, according to Andrea.  I chose to pass on the French Toast, sausage, bacon, etc... but before you congratulate me, I ended up eating a 3-egg cheesesteak omelet with home fries.  I know, I know... believe me, I know.

In getting back to the shower, it was good to see our friends and family come together to help us celebrate this new baby.  Andrea had a nice time and though she's not one for the spotlight, I think she truly enjoyed all the attention today.  Thanks, Moms and Happy Valentines Day!

02/11/2009

What an incredible day I had today!  I'd love to be able to talk about it more, but I have to keep it all to myself for the time being.  Soon though......

I saw something that totally threw me for a loop too.  Getting ready to go through the Lincoln Tunnel to come home, a very large tractor trailer in front of us ignored a policeman's warning and drove into the tunnel at a good rate of speed.  That would sound like a small offense, except that this truck was too big for the tunnel and it hit the top of it and blocked the tunnel entrance.  It made a heck of a noise as the truck slammed into the tunnel and scraped across the top. 

Multiple police showed up almost instantly and within 5 minutes, a tow truck was brought in.  It took the truck 5-10 minutes to hook up to the trailer and then it literally drug the truck out of the tunnel.  I was going crazy the whole while, because I remember those terrorism warnings after September 11, talking about how terrorists might seek to take out the tunnels and bridges.  The news people talked about how they could try and block the tunnel to prevent anyone from getting in and then set some sort of explosive.

I breathed a sigh of relief when that truck was removed and we made it safely through the tunnel.  It was a huge reminder to me how hard it must be for the people who live and work in New York everyday, trying to move on from the tragedy and go about their lives.  This was my first trip to NYC since September 11 and maybe that was why I was so aware of things, since it's been seven and a half years since everything happened. 

In my last trip to the city, I was in the World Trade Center Tower 2 and I have fond memories of the observation decks.  I always loved how it felt to stand on the ledges and stare out the huge windows on the indoor deck, like I was almost suspended in the air above Manhattan.  The outdoor deck was also cool because you could see well past the Statue of Liberty and beyond on a clear day.  That window washing thing fascinated me.

Anyway, it was an eerie feeling for me and I kept my eyes peeled in all directions.  I will say this, I saw a whole lot more police then I ever remember in the past and it felt safer to walk the streets.  New York is such a beautiful city and I still marvel at the enormous buildings and the way the streets feel like valleys amongst the many mountains.  Plus the food.... oh, the food.

I was good though!  All I had in NY yesterday was some really good fresh fruit and a bunch of Diet Cokes.  When I came home, I threw a steak on the George Foreman grill for dinner and we had a good day.  I did drench the steak in steak sauce (by accident), which isn't going to hit me with calories, but the sodium was off the charts.  That would explain why I weighed in today at the same weight as last week. 

I'm not worried about it though, I have been working especially hard this week and keeping to my diet exactly.  I know I will have good progress to report next week.   It will feel good to make everyone proud of my progress again and more importantly, I will continue doing what I need to do to ensure I am around for my family as long as I possible can be.  

Soon, those pounds will start coming off again and I'll be on track to hit my halfway mark.  I know it!!!!!

02/08/2009

Sometimes I read back old blog posts to see what I was thinking at a certain time and I crack myself up.  Maybe that's just because I wrote it and I am able to appreciate my messed up sense of humor, or maybe it's like a shared angst... with myself.  You ever just throw your hands up in the air because your situation seemed so tough but there was nothing you could really do about it but laugh? 

Yeah, my hands are in the air.  I have 148 pounds to lose and... you know what I just realized?  I was 477 at my heaviest and though I only lost one pound this past week, it did take me to exactly 100 pounds lower than my heaviest.  Well, that's cool.  I guess sometimes we just have to appreciate the victories that we've achieved, instead of lamenting over those that were not so successful.

I could be a philosopher.  I'm sure lots of other philosophers sit in their big, fluffy chairs and type their deep thoughts into beat-up laptops, while they're wearing cut-off sweatshirts and shorts, pining for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  They probably also fall asleep to reruns of King of Queens each night.

That show is great, by the way.  I always loved the idea of a bigger guy who married a beautiful woman that looked beyond his weight.  It spoke to me when I was sitting alone in the den, eating cheese curls and wishing for better days.  Plus, he's just hilarious and when you add in Arthur ('Basement Artie'), the show is great!  Hey!  I just realized something else- I am a big guy who married a beautiful woman who looked beyond MY weight.  And MY father-in-law lives next door, though he's a lot more normal than Arthur...  

Life's kind of funny sometimes.  Now, I'm off to go make an omelet with whatever vegetables I can find in the fridge.  I love to eat them in the morning because when you fill the omelet with veggies, it seems like a lot of food and it's hardly any calories.  It also tastes really good with some hot sauce!

02/06/2009

Wow.  I lost another pound.  Great... Grand... Fantastic...

I am getting super-frustrated with this whole thing right about now, because I am not seeing the same progress that I did last year.  It's like the difference between a faucet turned on high and then a slow drip.  I think I know the main problem too and I feel stupid for not doing something about it until now. 

I have been focused on the diet alone and not hitting the gym like I should.  There's a ton of reasons why I haven't been to the gym lately and to be completely honest, they all stink.  Everyone has stress in their lives and everyone goes through hard times so I just need to suck it up and make myself get back in there.

Misty has been very supportive and though she's probably screaming on the inside for me to get my butt in the gym, she is not tearing my doors down to drag me in there.  I appreciate that because it's allowed me to come to the realization that I need to work out myself, rather than be forced into it by someone else.  This way, I will not be doing it because someone is making me, I'll be doing it because I know I have to do it.  Or maybe I'm just afraid to be pushed...

Good Lord, I'm a pain in the butt sometimes.  I should have known all along that the gym was hugely important to losing weight and I tried to believe that the diet was all I needed. And then on the diet, I'd do something stupid like eating a chocolate chip cookie or two.  It's hard to look in the mirror when I know how stupid I am being.

And I'm happy I'm losing weight instead of gaining it, don't get me wrong.  The thing is, at a rate of 1 pound a week, it would take me three years to lose the rest of the weight.  I'm just not down with waiting that long.  It seems I'm at one of those forks in the road (I thought the metaphor was appropriate) and I have to choose a path. 

It's not quite the 'Two roads diverged in a wood,' that I faced at the beginning of Donate My Weight, but it is a test of my strength and determination.  I hope I don't fail the test, especially since I just wrote that.  It would be really embarrassing.   

02/03/2009

I'm watching 'The Biggest Loser' as I type this and they have totally blown the whole notion of  it being a reality show.  This season they tried something new to try and prove that it was possible to lose the same amount of weight at home as they did on the ranch.  On the first show they split the teams and sent half the people home for 30 days, to try and lose as much as they could. 

The theory was that when the people returned, they would have lost a lot of weight, similar to the people on the ranch.  That would prove that it's totally possible for others to achieve the same results at home.  The only problem was that when they brought the people back and weighed them, they lost significantly less than the people at the ranch.  

The average weight loss of the people at home was about 12 lbs per person, for 30 days.  That includes the first week of training when the contestants shed a ton of water weight.  Even so, that is an amazing result for the average person and it's something to be happy about.  When you consider that most of the people on the ranch lost more than that in a week, however, it makes a clear statement.  

Jillian (who I think is great) said it best, "If you can lose 12 lbs in a week, maybe the person at home can lose 12 lbs in six weeks."   I really appreciate the fact that she's honest and sincere about things.  Bob is very good too and together, they make a great training team.  I loved when they confronted the common misconceptions of weight loss at the weigh-in. 

Jillian talked about people rationalizing their lack of weight loss by saying that muscle weighs more than fat or  they lost inches instead of lbs.  It was surprising to hear her and Bob debunk those ideas and call them excuses.  I had always believed that thing about muscle and fat, but it does make sense that it wouldn't matter to the scale since more muscle means more fat-burning. 

I still love the show and I enjoy seeing people turn their lives around, making healthy choices for themselves and their loved ones.  I'm not especially happy that they ran with their own version of Donate My Weight without so much as an acknowledgment, especially since I detailed the whole thing for them TWICE in the beginning of 2008, but I am happy that so many people will be fed because of their promotion.  It's a huge thing for the hungry people of America and how could anyone be unhappy with that?

The diet went well today and I started my day with some rocking egg beaters with jalapeño sauce and low fat hot dogs mixed in.  It may sound gross, but it was really good and it filled me up!  I did eat three chocolate chip cookies that I made for Andrea, which sucks.  I will work extra hard to make sure that doesn't happen tomorrow.  Other than that, it was a good day.

02/02/2009

It was a really nice weekend for all of us.  I was up here with the kids, watching basketball games, playing around with them and refinishing a baby dresser.  Andrea and her dad were in NC, picking up all sorts of baby stuff from my sister and spending time together.  They hit a couple restaurants, had lots of talks and basically, just enjoyed the time together.

The dresser came out really nice and by the end of the weekend, we had tons of things to help us welcome that new baby into our house.  I also gave myself the first big challenge for 2009, with the initial cheat day of the year.  Saturday was a great test to see if I can commit myself to the diet as strongly as I did last year. 

I believe I will rise to the challenge and do well.  Even though it was a cheat day, I didn't go crazy and I kept things within moderation.  I still want to come up with some guidelines to follow on future 'cheat days' but regardless of what I've heard from others, I think they're an integral part of the whole process. 

I've heard from a few friends and family members that think I should cut out the cheat days from the whole program. But it's not realistic, if you think about it.  I am trying to make a complete lifestyle change and establish habits that will stick with me for many years.  To say I will never eat certain things again or to label other foods as 'bad' would be setting myself up for a huge failure. 

Imagine what would happen when that day comes (and it would absolutely come) when I ate something I labeled 'bad'.  It would crush my confidence and make me feel like a huge failure.  Aside from making me feel bad, it would also throw me back into that whole food spiral that caused me to gain this weight in the first place.

Far too many people try to diet by restricting their foods so severely or by completely cutting things out of their life.  While it may work in the short term, research has shown that it virtually always results in the person gaining the weight back plus a few pounds.  Think about every person you know who lost weight by totally eliminating certain foods.  How many of them were able to stay off those foods for the rest of their lives?   

Even people who had gastric bypass and lap bands, but still chose to highly restrict their food choices, gained a lot of their weight back.  My doctor explained to me that the key is limiting intake of those foods to once every couple weeks and even then, focusing on portion control. That's what I've trying to do and God-willing, I'll be bringing in good numbers soon. 

I've set myself a mini-goal of getting back to the weight I was before the holidays, by the time Andrea gives birth.  She's due in the last week of March, so that means between then and now, I have to drop 22 lbs.  It equates to about 3 lbs a week and both my doctor and trainer have said that is a realistic, healthy goal.

01/31/2009

What a crazy, fun day I had yesterday!  I would love to go into details but I really can't right now.  I will  be able to talk about the whole thing soon enough though! 

Andrea and her dad headed down to North Carolina last night to pick up the baby stuff from my sister and brother-in-law.  He elected to make the trip with her in my place, which was perfectly ok with me, since I was already at my most anxious yesterday.  Her dad loves to take long trips and he is especially excited about visiting Topsail Beach when he gets down there, because he hadn't been to the beach at all this year. 

Papa Joe (that's what everyone calls him) wanted to do some fishing today too, but I don't know how that will go because of the time constraints.  They're only going to be in NC for today and then they'll head back tomorrow morning for him to make a Super Bowl party in the evening.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate him taking that trip with her and how much I appreciate my sister giving us that stuff. 

It's a huge burden lifted off my shoulders and I know Andrea will be super-happy to see that crib setup and ready for baby Allana or Leo.  Man, I wish I knew if we were having a boy or girl.  Oh well, there's only a month and a half to two months left now. 

The dieting went well yesterday and I actually ate really little.  It wasn't by design but I was busy from 9:30am until 5:30pm and I didn't get the chance to eat anything until after that.  I hadn't eaten anything in the morning because I was so nervous, but luckily I was able to snag a protein shake when we hit the gym.  That helped a bit.

I did weigh in though and the stupid scale said I was the same as last week.  I don't completely understand why that is because I've been good, but I am guessing it is because of the chili I have been eating the last two nights.  It's homemade from the tomatoes and other vegetables in my garden this past year (I made huge batches and froze it), but there is a lot of sodium in it between actual salt and the sodium in the hot sauce I used. 

I think I will have a good week coming up.  Even if I only lose a few pounds, I'll be happy!  Although... I can't wait for one of those weeks where I lose a really nice amount of weight.  I'd love to lose 12 lbs in a week like that dude who was kicked off The Biggest Loser.  I'm sure it probably won't happen, but eh, still nice to think about it.

01/28/2009

Everything is set for the Rachael Ray segment and I am so excited it's not even funny!   I'm scared out of my mind but I'm also thrilled at the whole thing.  What an incredible year it will be- I'll lose a lot more weight, appear on the Rachael Ray show and to top it all off, Andrea and I will welcome a new baby into our family! 

It doesn't seem like that long ago I was sitting alone in my dad's den, miserable and feeling like my life was over.  I couldn't imagine how I would ever lose any weight or meet someone who would accept me at my big size.  I felt like I had blown through all my second chances and I was destined to live an unfulfilled, solitary existence like a modern-day 'Bartleby the Scrivenor.' 

Then, when I was about at my lowest, I met Andrea and everything changed.  Isn't life great sometimes?   In three short years, I went from that lonely guy who secluded himself in a dark room away from the world, to a husband and father who is losing weight in the public eye.  It's wild to think that I'm about to share my story with millions of people through this one appearance.  I hope they like me and believe in what I'm trying to do.  

We'll see, I guess.  Andrea and I watched The Biggest Loser last night and they inadvertently proved a huge point that I have been saying all along.  What happens on their ranch with Jillian and Bob is far from reality and it's not realistic to think that a person can achieve the same results at home. 

At the beginning of this season, the show split the teams in half and sent one person from each team home.  They hoped that in a set amount of weeks, they would bring the people back and weigh them in.  The Biggest Loser producers wanted to show that people at home could lose the same amount of weight as the people on the ranch who worked out with their trainers. 

They only showed the progress of one team that was split so far, but the one who stayed on the ranch lost 101 lbs (including 30 lbs in one week) while the other one lost 46 lbs and he's teetering on going back to his old habits.  Then, the person who was eliminated for losing the lowest percentage of weight, lost a total of 12 lbs since last week's weigh in.

The man lost 12 lbs and he still didn't lose enough to beat the other people on the ranch.  If I lost 12 lbs, I'd be doing cartwheels down the sidewalk and swinging from the rafters like I was in Cirque de Soleil.  Of course my doctor would be waiting for me when I was done, to tell me how unhealthy it was to lose weight that fast.

01/27/2009

I have exciting news!  No, the cold is not completely gone, but this is much better than that...  I am going to be featured on The Rachael Ray show in the near future!  I spoke with a Producer last night and she offered me the opportunity to talk about Donate My Weight on the program with Rachael!  I can't go into any details yet, but keep tuned!!!!!

It is such an honor for me to have this opportunity to share my story and talk to her huge audience about what I'm trying to do with Donate My Weight.  Her allowing me to appear on the show could potentially create so many more donations to food banks across America!  Also, it will introduce my challenges to countless others who might be going through the same struggles and feeling like they were all alone.

I know how hard it is to try and lose a large amount of weight or deal with panic attacks when you get to the point that either one has taken control of your life.  There's such a strong isolated feel, like the world has passed you by and you're just a small sailboat in the great sea of life.  Friends and family try to help and they can certainly empathize, but unless they've walked in your shoes, they don't understand.  It's not their fault, how could they?

Losing 100, 200 or say, 230 lbs is a whole lot different than losing 10 lbs and the emotional aspects involved are exponentially stronger.  As for a panic attack, well, to experience one is the only way to know just how bad it can truly get.  That's not to minimalize anyone else's challenges, we each have our demons that we have to face and they can all seem insurmountable at times.  All I'm trying to say is that by me appearing on the Rachael Ray show and talking about my story, there's a good chance I will be able to reach a whole lot of others who are facing the same things I am, but might not have the strong support of friends and family (and all of you) that I do.

It makes me feel great to think that I can help give others the strength or support to take back control of their own lives.  Everybody deserves to be happy, just like everybody deserves to be able to feed themselves and their family.  To know that I have played a part in helping people achieve either, no matter how small a part, is an indescribable feeling.   My dad used to talk to me about being a 'productive citizen' and helping others where I could.  He considered it an important aspect of life.  I have to believe he will be with me as I travel to NYC, talk to Rachael Ray and take this campaign to the next level.

For now, I'm off to the gym...     

01/26/2009

Andrea and I returned from Cape May last night and happily, I was able to get exactly what I needed.  I'm still nursing a cold here and hacking up a lung (sorry for the visual reference) but all is well.  We didn't do any big dinners in Cape May and instead, had a basic meal at a local spot called Lucky Bones.  AND, I took a 2 mile walk yesterday!

It was a good stroll through Cape May because virtually nobody else was walking the streets and I felt like I had the town to myself.  The only downfall was the extremely cold weather with that biting wind coming off the Atlantic.  I'm still just a tad bit too big to fit into my old coat, so I had to bundle up in sweatshirts.  Geez, there's something I never really wanted to admit, I don't own a coat that fits me.

It's ok though, I figure I will lose weight and be able to wear it again soon, rather than buy a new one at my present size.  I was relatively warm in my sweatshirts and sweatpants, but I did forget my gloves and hat.  It was still a nice walk and I'm glad I did it.  I even made my way onto the beach for a few blocks which was so peaceful... and windy. 

We stayed at the John F. Craig House.  It's owned by some friends of ours, Barbara and Chip Masemore, and it was very comfortable.  We had a really nice room that was actually the old master bedroom of the house, and it was furnished with original furniture and a nice Franklin Stove to keep the place toasty.  During tea time on Saturday, I sat downstairs in front of the roaring fire in the parlor and it was so relaxing.

Instead of tea, I enjoyed some delicious fruit punch that Barbara made with a Crystal Light base.  I passed on the cookies and other available snacks, but I did try some of the hummus and pita that was served.  Incidentally, I learned that I am not a fan of hummus.  The other guests seemed to love it and Andrea said it was really good.  Oh well.  I guess we all have our different likes and dislikes. 

It's a crazy reference, but when I was just typing that about the hummus, it made me think of something my dad used to make for me.  It was a kind of sandwich I loved, but most other people would probably run away from- Miracle Whip, peanut butter and lettuce on white bread.  Sound good?  I haven't had one in years and I'm sure it's not a healthy choice, but the memories are good. 

I had some fantastic beef and barley soup for lunch today and it reminded me how tasty 'healthy' food can be.  Andrea's dad made it yesterday and he always throws in a bazillion vegetables, both frozen and fresh.  I know some people on diets consider soup to be a bad choice because of sodium levels.  I tend to disagree.  If they're homemade, light on the salt and filled with healthy stuff, how can you go wrong? 

Even store-bought soup is ok here and there, in my opinion.  If it's a tomato base or a low-cal cream base soup like 94% fat free clam chowder, it's not going to make any kind of a difference in a person's actual weight loss.  The sodium may cause retained water for a day or two, but it's no big deal.  As long as you drink a lot of water, it will go away.

01/24/2009

It's 5:30am here and I have been up for about an hour and a half with this stupid cold.  It's always something, right?  Andrea and I are heading back to Cape May for a meeting, right after Jordan's basketball game this morning.  Hopefully, Andrea will drive on the way down so I can get some sleep.  Driving in the car on long trips always puts me to sleep for whatever reason. 

Today is a big day for me because I have come to the realization that the past few months have been more about excuses than weight loss.  I fell off track a couple months ago and I have never been able to get myself completely back on course.  I could talk about the varied reasons for my slipups, but really, what's the point?

Just like in January 2007, I find myself in a tough situation that nobody else can fix, no matter how much they might want to do so.  I'm about 380 lbs and I'm coming dangerously close to being just another diet and weight loss statistic.  Studies show that in the long-term, three quarters of all dieters gain their weight back plus some.  (Some people, like diet pill salesmen, quote a number of 95%, but that extreme has not been proven) 

So anyway, here I am with this huge weight problem, a couple months of setbacks and all this research saying there's a good chance that I will fail.  It seems overwhelming to be completely honest.  Every part of me wants to throw in the towel and succumb to what appears to be the inevitable outcome anyway.  I keep thinking, if all those other people couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

But there's another nagging voice inside of me that I just can't seem to shake.  It's telling me to forget about all the statistics and reminding me that not everyone who attempts to lose weight fails.  If even a few people can do it, why can't I?  My self-esteem has taken a beating over the past 10+ years, but there's still a little pride that keeps me going when all appears lost.

The idea of failing doesn't just upset me or make me depressed.  It makes me mad.  I've given up on myself far too many times in my life and I'm sick of it.  This is where I draw the line.  I deserve better than what I've given myself and my family damn sure deserves better than to have to live without me because I couldn't put down a donut.  There's still a fire burning deep down inside of me somewhere and it will see me through to the end.  I really believe it.

Not tomorrow, not in a few days and not next week... TODAY, right now, I am recommitting myself to losing this weight.  I said I would lose at least another 80 lbs in 2008 and now I am saying, the heck with that.  There is no reason I can't do even better than last year.  I'm going back to basics and I'll use the experiences I have had over the past months to help me when temptation comes knocking.

I am still going to schedule cheat days every two weeks, because my experience shows me they worked well when they're done right.  The problem comes when a day turned into a couple days, then a week, then a month.  It happens quickly and I will need to keep on top of things so it doesn't derail me again.  On the same token, just because I have a cheat day doesn't mean that I will go gorge myself.  It just means that I will put away my calorie counter for 24 hrs. 

I want to thank my brother for reminding me why I started this whole thing and tell him, Andrea, my sister, my mom and everyone else who cares about me- thank you for not giving up on me.  I will make you all proud and just as importantly, I will make myself proud again.  Yesterday, I made a promise to my dad on what would have been his 71st birthday.  Just like I did with the drinking, I will do what I have to do to keep that promise. 

01/23/2009

Well, it's Friday and once again, I have neither gained nor lost a pound.  It is really annoying, to say the least.  I know there have been times throughout the week that I deviated from the diet I wanted to follow, but I thought I still might lose a pound.  Nope.  I guess it's a good thing that I didn't gain any weight, so I should be happy about that.

It's also my dad's birthday today and I really miss him.  Even though it's been almost 5 years since he died, it still feels like there's a huge hole in our family and I imagine it probably always will.  At least I can think of him without crying now.  I know it's taboo for a guy to talk about that sort of thing, but I really don't care.  Men put up this tough front to try and shield our feelings from the world, acting as if things don't bother us, like we're not affected by upsetting situations.

I'm often as guilty as the next guy, just ask my wife.  For the life of me, I don't know who we're trying to fool- the rest of the world or ourselves.  Maybe it's as if the painful moments won't hurt as much, if we pretend everything is ok.  It's like when I was walking down the street with the kids a couple months ago and a huge wasp flew up and stung me.   I kept a straight face, didn't flinch and brushed it off, telling the kids that it was all good.  Truth is, it hurt like crazy and  left a surprisingly big, bright red welt on my arm.   We're all nuts.  At least I can admit it...

I'll be back down in Cape May tomorrow with Andrea, scanning in some old pictures from the local historical society.  They agreed to allow me access to their archives for the book and I have to get everything in to the publisher ASAP, since he has my writings and is working on editing it.  It'll be a busy weekend, but I will do my best to stick to the diet and walk throughout the city for exercise.

01/20/2009

I'm concerned about my weigh-in this week, because I ate some unhealthy food at my birthday party and then the next day on my birthday, when Andrea and I took the kids out.  I just don't learn, it seems.  But I must have said a hundred times that as long as I keep going, I will eventually reach my goals, so I'm not going to lose the faith.

If this week total is the same as last week, I will suck it up and move on.  So be it.  I'd like to say I will feel the same way if it shows I gained a pound but that's not true.  I'll be ticked off.  I don't expect that to happen though.  It was like one of my old cheat days, when I used to get all worked up then find out I did ok at the weigh-in. 

I talked to a gentleman from the Rachael Ray show today and they are considering me for their program again.  Maybe this time will be the charm and they will decide I'd make a great guest.  Then I'll get to talk about Donate My Weight to a whole new audience and spread the word.    If I can get the people of NYC behind me, there is an incredible potential for donations to food banks in the city.

Keep your fingers crossed!

01/18/2009

Today has been a fun day, but I'm dead tired.  I was up all last night because no matter what I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep.  I tried counting backwards from 100 a bunch of times, I walked through some of my favorite memories in my mind and I tried to count sheep.  Nothing worked.  I ended up coming downstairs around 2:30am and I used my time to clean up the house.

Andrea threw a birthday party for me today and it was a blast.  My mom came, along with a lot of Andrea's family and some good friends of ours.   There were a few really neat surprises like the cake Andrea picked out for me.  I must have mentioned sometime over the past year that I always wanted to have a 'Fudgie the Whale' from Carvel and guess what she got me?  It was just as great as I always knew it would be!

The back-story on that one is that I used to see all the Carvel commercials on tv as I was growing up and I remember hearing Tom Carvel talking about 'Fudgie the Whale'.   Every time I listened to Mr. Carvel talk about Fudgie, I would think about how good it sounded and how much I wanted one.  It looked so good and inviting, but I never got one.

So today, everybody gathered in my kitchen for the cake and Andrea walked in with Fudgie.  I about hit the ceiling!  Some of the family probably thought I was nuts when they heard the story, but I'll tell you what- every single person raved about the cake after they had some.  Andrea told me later that the staff at the Carvel store said they have had a lot of requests for Fudgie from people in their thirties lately.  I guess there's others out there that have the same memories as me.   

The party was lots of fun and I really enjoyed myself.  Tomorrow is my actual birthday, but we had it today so the family could come.  It's too bad that Andrea's brother and my brother and sister couldn't come, but it was still a nice party and I think everyone had a good time.  We had the Eagles game on the tv which proved to be interesting, since half the people are fans and half specifically don't like the Eagles.   

01/16/2009

Not the best day yesterday with my diet... I just don't get it.  I did so well last year and now I am having a heck of a time keeping myself on the right path.  Hopefully, something will just click for me soon and I'll be solidly on the diet again (I know I said I wasn't going to say diet anymore).  I know times are tough and the stress is pretty high, but I thought I was in a better place with things.

On a different front, things are freezing here in PA today and when I woke up it was 7 degrees with a wind chill factor of -8 degrees.  The kids even had off school because of the cold, since we live in a city where there is little to no busing.  I didn't get that at first, until I realized that some students have to walk a distance of 1-2 miles to get to their school and it's just too cold for that.

So Andrea got out of bed this morning around 8am to get her phone and when she came back to bed, she told me it felt cold.  We set our thermostat to drop down to 60 degrees at night, so I didn't think much of it.  I got up a few minutes later and it didn't take me long to realize that it was a lot colder than 60 degrees in here.  

I came downstairs and checked the thermostat, which was on a program to turn the heat up to 68 degrees at 8am.  The temperature, however, was 52 degrees.  We just got a shipment of oil so I knew that wasn't the problem and the fuse hadn't blown, so I tried the reset button in a last ditch effort.  It didn't work, so I called the oil company who services our furnace.

To their credit, they showed up within an hour and after they replaced a few things, they were able to get the furnace working again.  The guy told me the fuel nozzle was all dirty and clogged, plus some electrodes were out of alignment.   It worked really well for about an hour, before it shut off again.  Same drill with the reset button before I had to call the oil company again.  Thank Goodness we have a service plan with them. 

Their technician is down in the basement now, trying to fix the furnace for us.  Meanwhile, the house is getting colder and colder.  The really peculiar thing about the whole situation is that we paid to have the oil company come here two weeks ago and do an annual checkup on everything.  According to their report, it was all 'excellent', a claim that seems to have been proven wrong.   

01/14/2009

I pretty well yesterday with a few exceptions, but even including them, I kept to under 2000 calories.  I know my normal goal is 1500 calories a day, but I'm trying to cut myself a little slack.  Today I will strive for the 1500 number again and I am also planning on making my way back to the gym. 

I just finished with the antibiotics from the abscess yesterday and things seem to be treated, including those chronic ear infections that were casing my vertigo, so I'm hoping for a good workout.  There won't be any weights involved for about a week, just aerobic exercises like the treadmill and that elliptical devil machine.

It's important to me to get back into a regimen with the weights, but I don't want to hurt myself and I also want to ease back into things.  Misty will be there to guide me (she rocks) and I am confident that all will go well.  Speaking of well, I weighed myself today and guess what... I lost another 2 lbs! 

I know it's not the monumental weight loss that I was hoping to see, but it's a start and I'll take it.  In the coming weeks I will hopefully see more and even if it never gets more than 2 lbs a week, that's still 104 lbs a year and I won't turn that down!  Sure, it would be great to see Biggest Loser numbers on my scale, but it's just not realistic for a normal person.  Even Jillian Michaels says that the show is far from reality.

One way or the other I will meet my goal and it seems like the slower loss of weight is the most lasting.  Did I say that right?  Eh... My point is, as long as the weight keeps coming off, I'm happy. 

01/12/2009

I'm eating healthy and hoping for some weight loss at the end of this week.  It's kind of exciting and nerve-wracking all at once.  I feel like I did a year ago at the beginning of this whole thing and I'm worried that I won't show any progress.  In my gut, I don't think that will be a problem but the worry is still there.

I'm also rediscovering my love of low fat hot dogs, which I ate for weeks on end at lunch time last year.  They may not be the healthiest thing in the world, but they're really not that bad and they taste good.  I enjoy them and they take care of my hunger until dinner, when I just eat smaller portions of whatever the family is having. 

The job hunt seems to be going ok and I am hoping this time it will only take a short while.  With a baby on the way and a family to support, I need to make sure we're all in a good place.  It's a ton of stress, but at the same time, I have faith.  I believe it will all work out.  Speaking of stress, I forgot to mention that my book is done and on its way to the publisher.

I sent the finished manuscript last week and now he will edit the whole thing, format it and do what publishers do, I guess.  They tell me the book will be out on the shelves this summer, which is an awesome feeling!  There's a huge sense of accomplishment with this and I can't believe I've written my first book!

I also got a copy of the final product for another piece I wrote about my family and our experiences in Cape May over the years.  It's going to appear in a book called 'Cool Cape May' and it will be available all over the city.  It's a sort of guidebook, but with a lot more detail and wonderful pictures.  Hotels, motels, B&B's, Condos, etc keep them in their rooms for guests and they're also for sale in all the bookstores.  Anyway, the piece I wrote was arranged beautifully by the publisher and they included a number of great old family photos. 

Well, I have to go do some errands now, so it is goodbye until tomorrow.  I think I'll have baked chicken for dinner...

01/10/2009

Thankfully, the week is over and I survived!  It really wasn't as bad as it seemed, just a whole lot of stuff happening at the same time.  Life is like that sometimes.  When everything is going on it seems like the world is falling down around you and then a few days after it's all over, you realize it wasn't as bad as it seemed.  Even when things truly are that bad, after some time you come to realize that you survived it.

I remember waking up the day after my dad died and the feelings just falling on me like a wet blanket.  I felt like it was too much to handle and I didn't think life would ever feel right again.  Then some time went by and slowly, life began to fall into place again.  It was never the same and we all had to adjust to our new reality, but we survived. 

The old diet (healthy eating) has been rocky throughout the week, but I am back in the saddle again tomorrow.  Time to make some progress!  I don't really have a goal for this first week, because it could either be a big weight loss or a mediocre one as my body tries to adjust to the lower caloric intake. 

After this week, however, I will be shooting for 3-5 lbs a week.  I know some people will tell me that I should look for 2-3 lbs, but I know my body and I think it is entirely possible.  Things should get interesting again and just like before, I will blog throughout the whole process.  Whether I succeed or fall down, I'll write about it. 

If there's anyone out there who has also had a tough time of dieting lately, I encourage you to join me and take a stand today.  Life is a great thing and just imagine how much greater it will be for us once we reach our goal weights and we're able to do all the things that have been impossible because of our weight.  There's no reason we have to live shortened lives, watching those around us having fun while our weight prevents us from joining them.  Let's do this!

01/08/2009

Well, my week has continued to be an interesting one... Yesterday I received a call from my VA doctor that has been treating my Panic Disorder for 10 years and she let me know she is moving to another VA facility.  I received a notice a few weeks ago that they cancelled my appointment, but I didn't know what the reason was until I heard from her.  She's been a great doctor and someone I really trusted, so that sort of stinks, but I'm happy for her and I wish her nothing but the best. 

Then today, I took Andrea's car to the gas station because it needed some air in one of the tires.  Long story short, I slipped on ice and fell.  My back is a little sore now, but I'm hoping it won't be bad later.  But wait, it gets even better.  I came home and was about to write this blog when I received a message from my brother, who let me know the Donate My Weight website was down. 

First time in a year that it's gone down too.  Oh well, I guess my luck is bound to turn around soon.  Either that or I'm going to start taking bets on what will happen next.  I'm giving 2-1 odds on food poisoning... lol.

I figure the big guy upstairs is just testing me and as long as I stick to my plans and don't quit on myself, I'll be golden.  Incidentally, Andrea and I are going to NC this weekend to visit my sister and pick up all her baby stuff.  It was a spur of the moment thing that we decided after my sister and Andrea talked and my sister offered it all to us. 

We had been planning on using my brother's crib and buying the rest, but my sister is moving across the country for a new job and she said she'd rather have us use the stuff then pack it up and move it all with her.  So, it's going to be a tumultous weekend with lots of driving, but by Sunday night, we'll be nearly ready for that baby.  We're getting a crib, high chair, pack and play, stroller, infant car seat, exer-saucer thing, some jumparoo dealie and a bunch of other things I can't pronounce.

Anyway, as much as I am looking forward to seeing my sister and her family, especially since they're moving over a thousand miles away and as much as I am happy we will be ready for the baby, I am not looking forward to the trip.  I tend to get very anxious on long trips and it triggers panic attacks.  I'm going to do my best to control things though and hopefully, I'll be ok.

See?  It really has been quite a week!

01/07/2009

Yesterday was not fun at all.  I got some sort of stomach flu thing that I think I picked up from Alexandra, since she was out of school with the same symptoms as me.  We basically sat around the house all morning and afternoon, catatonic, watching the Disney Channel.  My fever went to 103 point something and then leveled at around 102.5 most of the day.

I still have a low-grade fever of about 100, but it's worlds apart from yesterday.  It really is amazing how just a couple of degrees in temperature can affect a body.  Anyway, it's been a rough first week to 2009 but I still have faith the year will turn out great.  I've been asked by NBC to write a one-time blog for their website, which is really cool and I am waiting to hear back from their reporter about a follow-up story. 

They've been super-supportive throughout this whole thing and I appreciate it greatly. 

01/06/2009

Guess what?  It's 3:30am and here I sit, typing on my laptop again.  I was lying peacefully in my bed when I woke up to terrible stomach cramps.  Long story short, I got violently sick, worse than I've been in years.  Unbelievable.

I think the bread I used for my toast last night might have gone bad.   Maybe that's the world's way of reminding me not eat things like peanut butter toast.  If so, then message received!

01/05/2009

Kind of a rough day today...

My mouth is starting to feel much better and all, which is great, but my life took a tumble today.  First, I ate a few things I wish I would have avoided.  My stress level hit a high this morning and I ate two cupcakes, then tonight, I ate two pieces of peanut butter toast. I was feeling really bad  and I allowed it to cloud my judgement.

The second part of the story is that I am once again, unemployed.  Basically, it stemmed from those two days I missed with my tooth abscess.  It's a frustrating thing, but I really had no choice.  The pain was so intense and the infection was starting to spread.  It had been building up for over 6 months (which I didn't realize) and it had to be fixed.  Aside from the crazy pain, it potentially could have killed me. 

So now you can see why the day wasn't exactly stellar for me.  Even so, I should have remained vigilant with my diet and not given in to temptation.  I promise to work harder at things tomorrow and eat healthy as I peruse the want ads.   

01/04/2009

I am happy to report that I was finally able to sleep through the whole night without being woken up by the pain!  I got a total of 7 and 1/2 uninterupted hours sleep.  I'm still feeling some pain and there's pressure under the tooth, which makes it feel like it's higher than the other ones, but it's a far cry from the way things were a few days ago.

I'm also feeling beat up and kind of lethargic, but I imagine that's just the normal cycle of my body recovering.  Soon I'll be back to 100% and I can hit the gym again.  The doctor said I have to wait until the infetion is completely cleared up, which should be in a week or two. Misty and I have talked about a really cool new plan at Golds that would coincide with Donate My Weight and I can't wait to get started.

I'm really lucky to have the great people in my life that I do, like my wife and kids, both sides of our family,  Misty, my close friends that have been with me for years and all the new friends I've made through this campaign.  It's easy to start feeling sorry for myself over the weight or panic disorder (or this abscess experience), and forget about all the great blessings in my life.  The truth is, no matter how bad things get, I'm a lucky guy to be able to do what I am doing with Donate My Weight and to have the kind of support that I do.

Onward and upward, right? 

01/03/2009

Well friends, it's 3am here and guess what?  I was woken up by the pain again.  On the plus side, the pain is not as bad as last night and it reacted well to a warm salt water rinse, followed by a warm compress.  That makes the time until the Advil kicks in much more bearable.  At least I know it is getting better somewhat and I can expect that the day will soon come when I'm pain free and infection free.

Geez!  I remember that first night that the pain woke me up and I thought I was gonna go out of my mind.  Things are not quite as bad tonight.  Still not fun and I still only got 3 hrs of sleep, but it could always be a lot worse!

01/02/2009

It's was another long, painful night for me with only a few hours sleep, but there's hope ahead.  My dentist opens at 8am and I will be in her office at 8am, looking for stronger medication and hoping that she can open my tooth up again.  It feels like all that bacteria and fluid she drained on Wednesday has been replaced by new stuff and the pressure under my tooth feels like it's pushing it right out of my mouth.  Plus, my cheek and jaw hurt, for some reason and my ear is getting all stuffy again like with the infections before.

I am lucky to have such a sweet, caring wife who is looking after me.  She's in her third trimester now and I know things are uncomfortable, but she is just as nice as ever to me and she has gone out of her way to make me feel more comfortable in the last few days.  She made me chicken soup yesterday, because I couldn't eat anything solid and the day before, she surprised me with one of my favorites when I don't feel well- wonton soup. 

I've been using one of the rice packs that she made since Aunt Cheryl told me it would help, almost constantly at 15 minutes on and 10 minutes off.  For anyone who never heard of a rice pack, they're  basically a fabric sleeve that's filled with rice.  Rice packs can be heated in the microwave and provide warm, moist heat when it is called for, or they can be put in the freezer for a cold compress.  Andrea sewed a slip cover for the one I'm using as well, so it can be washed and it's more comfortable.  

I do feel badly that I haven't been able to do anything the last few days, since Andrea's brother, Sister-in-law and baby niece came to visit for New Year's.  Andrea's in her glory with the little baby, getting in some great practice for when ours comes in March.   Me, on the other hand... I've just been miserable and I hope I'm not ruining their trip. I did get to hold the baby right after the dental procedure, when I was still numbed up. 

It was a great experience because she was crying like a baby (hahaha), but I calmed her down and she fell asleep in my arms.  Maybe I won't be so bad when the time comes from me to go from 'Stepdad Ben' to 'Daddy'.  I hope I'll be ok.

There is one good side to all this intense pain in my mouth and face- I haven't been able to eat much of anything.  Yesterday's menu was two packs of Lipton's Ring O' Noodle Chicken soup and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I wanted to eat more, but I just couldn't do it.  On the other hand, I have been drinking water like it's going out of style.  That's a good thing!

------------------------------------------------

So I went to my dentist when she opened and guess what... they had to drill into me again.  Of course, that also meant I got another nerve block of Novacaine.  Yay!  The dentist said the infection was worse than they thought and they had to redo the whole root canal again.  She said the bacteria was building up under my tooth and pushing in all directions, which was causing the nasty pain.

She did that thing again with the files and then cleaning it with the bleach stuff, like six or seven times.  Then she injected an antibiotic right into my jaw and changed my home prescription to 2000mg of antibiotics a day.  The dentist also gave me a prescription of Vicodin for the pain and advised me to keep taking the Advil every 4 hours.  I really hope this takes care of it and the next time I visit them, they can put in the permenant filling.

On a funny note, the Dental Assistant told me the infection was so bad that the first time they drilled into the abscess, fluid shot up like a volcano, right into their faces.  She said it was pretty rough.   

01/01/2009

I am not a guy who often talks about being proud of himself, but I have to admit that today, I really do feel that pride.  I weighed in yesterday and though I put on a few pounds over Christmas, I still ended the year weighing 80 lbs less than I did in the beginning.  I started 2008 at 460 lbs and now I weigh 380 lbs.  It's nowhere near my original goal of losing 230 lbs by the end of the year, but it is significant progress and I'm proud of myself.

The year 2008 was one of my most stressful- going almost the entire year unemployed, dealing with more panic attacks than ever before, having vertigo for almost six months, the ear infections, stomach flu, two nasty dental procedures after my tooth broke in half...  but through everything, I never quit on myself and I never gave up on Donate My Weight. 

One year ago today, I said-

I am really hoping other people will like the idea of what I'm trying to do and also decide to donate  money or food.   If I can get a group of generous people to join me, we can make a huge difference.  100% of everything that is donated, food or money, will go directly to local soup kitchens and food banks.

All the numbers will be posted on this site, so people can see exactly what we received and where the money was donated.   If all goes well, I will be 230 lbs at the end of the day, but much more importantly, a lot of hungry people will be fed. 

I'm so proud to say that with the first year behind me, I saw almost every part of that become reality.  The response I received from people all over the world has been incredible and more than a few generous people joined my cause.  This website has seen nearly 19,000 hits, with visitors from all 50 states and from 42 countries around the world.  So far I've been able to raise over $7,000 and just under 53,000 lbs of food, which is above and beyond any of my wildest dreams last January. 

I stayed true to my pledge to post all the numbers on the web, along with pictures and personal blog entries that detailed both the good and the bad times.  I may not have lost 230 lbs (yet), but I did help feed a lot of hungry people and I am still going strong.  Overall, I'm happy with those results. 

I can't thank my supporters enough and to know how much love and encouragement has been sent my way is a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced before.  I can only imagine what 2009 will bring us and it's wonderful to think of all the people we will be able to feed! 

My prediction for 2009 is this- At least 80 more lbs lost by December 31.  That would take me below 300 lbs and I'd be happy.  Of course 150 would be great and it would take me to my goal, but I'm doing this the healthy way for long-term results.  I've learned over this past year that dieting is not the answer, it has to be a complete lifestyle change.  Dieting has so many negative connotations and it's a temporary fix.  I am trying to create a whole new life for myself and there's nothing temporary about that! 

Win, lose or draw, it will all be posted on here, just like last year.  Keep checking back to see my progress and if there's anything I can ever do to help you, please just ask.

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It's 4am and I was awoken by the pain from my tooth again.  I swear, this hurts more now that it did before the root canal.  I just don't understand it.  It feels like the whole right side of my face is sore and touching the tooth results in unbearable pain.

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It's 6:30pm and I have to say, this is the single most painful experience I've ever had.  I called Andrea's Aunt Cheryl who is a nurse and she suggested I use a heat pack to help draw out the infection and get some relief.  I've been doing that all day and it's given some relief, but there is still crazy throbbing.

I also talked to one of my best friends growing up, who is now a pharmacist.  I ran the situation past him and told him what my dentist suggested I do for pain and he was shocked.  He told me it normal to have really severe pain after a root canal that involves a large abscess because of swelling from the abscess, so they almost always prescribe heavy pain medicine.    He also told me the prescription strength of that Advil I am taking is equivalent to 4 of the Advil pills, 3 times a day, though he recommended I follow my doctor's orders.

While he couldn't give me any advice on what to take, he told me no matter what I did, I shouldn't take more than that amount of pills in a day.   Apparently, it's really hard on the stomach and liver at that dosage and can cause liver failure.

I totally understand why he couldn't recommend I take anything other than what my doctor prescribed, but I appreciate the information he gave me about the medicine.  With how weird I get about drugs, I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I am ok.  Right now, I am taking 3 Advil pills every 4 hours.  I have tried to stretch it out to every 5 or 6 hours, but the pain gets nuts. 

Anyway, I don't mean to complain about this, it could always be a whole lot worse.  I just figured that people might be interested and I am going stir crazy sitting at home, so this gives me an outlet.  I have so much work to do on the book before I send it to my publisher, but no matter how hard I try, I can't concentrate enough to work on it.  It's really annoying that I've been home the past two days and the laptop is right next to me, but I can't do any good work.  I tried to write a little and it sounded bad (hopefully this isn't equally bad).   

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8:30pm  A nurse from the VA called me to return my messages and she told me that I need to come back in to the office first thing tomorrow morning.  She said the pain I am experiencing is not unusual, but it shouldn't be throbbing in my jaw and up my cheek.  There's the possibility that the infection is not being treated effectively with the antibiotics they gave me and I may need something stronger.  The nurse also said I need to be prescribed painkillers because it may take awhile for everything to clear up.  Fantastic.

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