6/18/2010

 

I'm sorry I haven't updated the site in a week, we've been crazy busy over here!  We had to be in Cape May for an appointment on Friday and we were there until Monday and then We immediately turned around and drove to Bethesda, MD until very late Thursday night.  I don't travel well with the panic disorder and my size, because everything is uncomfortable to me and I feel very much out of my element.   When the panic and anxiety kick in, I feel like I have to get home and when you're a couple hundred miles away, it's not an option.  The whole thing is really hard to explain but trust me when I say... it stinks. 

 

Even places that I would have loved before the Panic Disorder, like Disney World, scare the heck out of me.  My wife planned a week vacation there in two weeks and I am terrified to fly.  Kind of bizarre when you think about it, considering I flew all over the world before the Panic Disorder and I used to really enjoy it.  Now, it has me going out of my mind thinking about it.  The trip was basically free to us, because my wife's Uncle and Aunt own a timeshare in Orlando, but I suspect that if things don't go well, it'll be the last time I ever step foot in Orlando (I've flown back and forth from Florida to Pennsylvania 5 separate times in the past, but things have gotten kind of rough for me in the last 10 years).

 

On another front, I am about to get my first government-issue cane from the VA.  Seriously.  I have arthritis in both ankles, my knees, my left hip, left elbow and left shoulder.   My doctor thinks it was caused from the heavy weight lifting I used to do.  I was all about muscle size in the 1990s and I used the heaviest weights I could, to make myself as big as I could.  The Panic Attacks had just started in 1994 and since I felt so weak, I tried to make myself stronger with big muscles.  It didn't work and according to my doctor, I wore the heck out of my joints.  So..... now I wear a brace on my elbow and I have to walk with a cane. 

 

The VA's Physical Therapist told me that it would only get worse as I got older, so it was important that I tried to take care of myself now.  He said losing weight will help take some of the stress off the joints, but the damage is done and it's irreversible.  I told him surgery was not an option for me (even more terrifying than flying after an experience I had when they didn't give me enough anesthesia and I woke up in surgery).  His response was, "Pain is a funny thing, it can make you do things..." 

 

Anyway, things are coming along with the weight loss and I'm doing well.  I'm a little freaked out by the cane thing because I hate to admit I'm aging and I worry what's next, but it's all good.  I didn't lose any lbs since last week according to the scale, but one of my pairs of shorts that used to be tight is now falling off me, so I'm on the right track!

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6/04/2010

 

Only one lb lost this week, but I'm ok with that.  I have been walking like crazy (hurts like crazy too) and eating much healthier.  I have faith that next week will be good for me.  Gotta keep the faith!

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5/26/2010

 

I'm still walking like a champ, even though it seems to bring on high anxiety and Panic Attacks.  I think it's way my heart is beating like crazy by the end that does it.  Walking may be easy for most people, but when you're my size, it's a chore to walk a block or two, so I really hurt after a mile or so.  Plus, my arthritis in my left knee and hip ache when I walk, so I'm doing most of it with a limp.  I must look funny, hobbling along...  I can barely move around a couple hours after my walks, but they seem to be paying off. 

 

Another 7 lbs gone!

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5/18/2010

 

I've been walking until my muscles ached all week and I am proud to say I lost 9 lbs! I want to do everything I can to keep this momentum going... wish me luck!

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5/11/2010

 

It was all over.  At my doctor's appointment this morning, he weighed me and I was blown away to see my current weight was 463 lbs.  I have arthritis in both knees, my ankles and wrists, my back aches, I have sciatica and now, there's tendonitis around my left elbow.  I can't walk without a limp and getting up from a sitting position is hard to do and harder to watch.... it goes on.  In short, I failed at my Donate My Weight mission.

 

I had just finished locking up the Donate My Weight website and posting messages to all of my supporters that I was stopping the campaign because I failed.  Basically, I admitted my defeat and resigned myself to what seemed inevitable...  then something changed.  My 8 year old stepdaughter brought up my weight loss out of the clear blue sky.  She told me that she believed I could lose the weight because I was strong.  I asked her if she'd be surprised to hear that I don't think I'm very strong and she looked shocked.  She couldn't believe that I didn't think I was strong.  I asked her why she was so sure I could lose all the weight and noted that I had to lose about the same as three Alex's and she looked me square in the eyes and said, "Cause you have mommy." 

 

It was a fantastic answer and I pressed her for more info but she wasn't saying much more.  Kids are like that.  They tell you what they're thinking but if you try to probe for more info, they don't know what else to say.  She did give me an interesting answer when I asked her why she loved me.  She said she loved me because I was fun, did nice things for her and took her places, but the main reason she loved me was because I make her mommy happy.   She told me that when it was just her, her mom and brother, her mom wasn't very happy.

 

Our conversation made me realize how important I was to the people in my family and how vital it was that I lose the weight.   Keeping all that in mind, I sat down to watch The Biggest Loser with Andrea and they brought back the winner from season 3.   The noteworthy thing about him is the fact that he lost 214 lbs on the show, won $250,000 and then went home and gained almost all of it back.  He caught himself last year and realized that he had fallen back into his old habits.  So, he jumped back into the routine and as of the taping of this show, he's lost 70 lbs again. 

 

He came back to the Biggest Loser ranch to talk with the current contestants, to share his story in an attempt to help them avoid the same fate.  In the midst of his talking he told them that he didn't want to have to do it all again, but he had no choice.  It was clear that his lack of choice wasn't because someone was making him do it or he felt trapped because of the tv cameras.  He had no choice because he knew how important it was to do it.  That was my 'aha' moment, when I realized what I had to do.

 

I can't stop Donate My Weight and just give up on myself.  I also can't keep things the way they were because I made a huge mistake in the beginning and I kept making it over the past two years.  Donate My Weight was never about me, I made it about everything and everyone else BUT me.  When I started in January of 2008, I wanted to lose weight because I felt that my wife deserved a skinny guy who would be able to do things with her.  I believed that I wasn't good enough for her because I was so big.  I wanted to be healthier so I could live longer to be around for her and my kids. 

 

The donating of food was another great thing because I felt like I had no purpose and I had this underlying belief that I had done more bad than good in my life.  I wanted to help people because I wanted to right past wrongs and I wanted to know that I made a difference with my life, that I genuinely made someone else's life better.  Then, I went on tv and people all over the country were telling my I inspired them.  It was a wonderful feeling, but I worried more and more about being an positive inspiration for other people, living up to their expectations. 

 

When I made a mistake on the diet, I felt like I let everyone down, from my family to the hundreds of people who contacted me and said I inspired them.  I felt like they believed in me and I let them down.  Those feelings got more and more intense as I started gaining weight back.  It's a terrible way to go through life and I've been obsessing over it for far too long.

 

So here it is- I am going to lose weight and keep losing until I reach 230 lbs.  I have a long way to go, but I will get there because I'm strong, even if I don't always realize it.  This time it's about me.  As much as I do believe my wife deserves a husband who can enjoy life with her, I also believe that I deserve to be able to enjoy life.  I want to be around to watch my children grow up and I want to be able to go to all their school and personal events without worrying that I will embarrass them with the way I look. 

 

I am a good person and I don't deserve to go through life feeling like I don't belong, like I am not good enough just because I am overweight.  I shouldn't have to feel all the pain that I do physically and mentally.  I hate all the indignities that I have to go through because I can't do simple things like wash myself in the shower without a long brush or fit into a regular seat or booth in a restaurant.   It's not right that I feel trapped in my own body, living in fear that I could die of a heart attack or stroke at any moment.  I know that as it is, if I do collapse and need medical help in my home, the paramedics won't be able to lift me or get me down the stairs. 

 

For all these reasons and so many more, this time it's for me.  I would be thrilled to be able to once again inspire others with my weight loss, but I need everyone to understand that I have to focus on myself  right now.  If I can't keep my eyes on the goal and lose the weight, I will be no good to anyone.  So, until I reach my goal, there will be no more tv/radio/newspaper interviews and I will be keeping a low profile.  It'd be great if people decide to make more donations to the food bank on my behalf, but that will solely be a personal decision on their part.  I'll still be blogging about my experiences, good or bad, but that's about the extent of things until I reach my goal weight (and I WILL reach my goal weight). 

 

Once I get to the end, they I will gladly make my donation to the food bank and do everything in my power to persuade others to do the same.  I hope the people at Wegmans will still be willing to donate that second truckload of food... 

 

For those interested, keep your eyes on my blog and the progress numbers as the weight comes off.  I don't know if it will be slow or fast, but it will be much steadier as it comes off in time.  Thank you for understanding and if anyone is interested in talking, my door (email) is still always open anytime.  May God Bless each of us and let the fun begin!

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4/18/2010

 

Today's the day, wish me luck...

 

I hate to say it, but I didn't have the best day.  I stuck to the diet until the evening when it all fell apart.  Anxiety has been a huge problem for me today and I had a strong panic attack come on around 3pm, but I was able to contain it.  The whole day was very uncomfortable for me and it sucks that I blew it.  I'll try again tomorrow.

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4/16/2010

 

Ok................. Things have gotten out of hand and I am trying something new.  Drastic times call for drastic measures, as the old saying goes.  It'll come as no surprise to those of you who have been following me from the beginning, that I am terrified of surgery.  I've had some really bad experiences in the past and in one, I actually woke up in the operating room.  So, surgery is an absolute last resort for me. 

 

That said, I'm just about at my last resort.  I have been trying to figure out a way to make this all work on my own for a very long time now and I came up with something.  It's a pure and simple diet method to get me losing weight, not new way of eating that I will employ for the rest of my life.  Before you rush to judgment, please listen to me reasoning.  Like I said before, drastic measures. 

 

I've never understood how I could quit drinking and smoking on my own, but food was such a problem.  Those are two of the hardest things to walk away from and while neither were easy for me, I did them and have never turned back (going on 7 years this October).  I reason that the way I could beat them both but have been having so much of a problem with food is because I could simply say 'No More' and never have another drink or cigarette again.  I couldn't do that with food.  THAT is where my new plan comes in.

 

My biggest problem with losing weight has never been not understanding what I should be eating or a lack of knowledge about the subject.  I have read so many books, articles, etc and I even had college classes that addressed the subject.  No, my biggest issue has always been saying no and walking away from the food.  I would have a little bite of something here or a taste there and it would all be a slippery slope from there.  Then I'd say, 'Well today is shot, so I'll go back on the diet tomorrow,' and I'd use it as an excuse to eat what I wanted.  One day would turn into a couple.  A couple days would turn into a week, which would turn into a month and on and on it would go.

 

I thought that everything would be great if I could just say no to food and never look back, at least while I was trying to lose weight.  It's impossible, of course, we all need food to survive, but it would make things much easier for me.  So, I was pondering all this in my head a couple days ago and the idea hit me- why can't I just say no to food for now?  I don't mean all food, that would be lead me down a completely different path and it would be a death sentence.  No, my idea is this-

 

Everything I eat for the next month will be decided ahead of time, from Breakfast in the morning until Dinner at night.  Everything will be here for me and there will be ABSOLUTELY NO DEVIATION.  I will, in essence, be walking away from all other food during that time period and I won't have to look back.  I've purchased thirty days worth of Lean Pockets breakfast meals for breakfast, Low-fat hot dogs and hot dog rolls for lunch and frozen meals for dinner that I will eat with a salad every day. 

 

There will be no cheat days, no indulgences and no going off the plan.  I am turning my back on food, or at least the food that I used to eat.  Just like with the alcohol and smoking, I am walking away and not looking back.  This will be a thirty day trial to see how well my idea works in the real world, but I have a lot of faith in it.  Before anyone tells me that it's unhealthy, think of it as a non-surgical last resort, like the way people have their jaws wired shut or go on liquid diets.  It's really not that unhealthy considering the foods I've chosen and though they're processed, everyday I will have eggs, plenty of vegetables and protein with less fat then the federal recommended daily intake. 

 

I can drink all the black coffee, water and diet soda I want, along with all the fresh veggies and fresh fruit I want.  If something happens beyond my control and I am away from my food, I know what each meal is in calories and I will stick to that.  No sweets, no 'just a taste of this' and no making up calories later in the day.  Straight up- should I have to substitute something than it will be exactly the same calories.

 

If all goes well with this first month, I'll keep going until I lose the weight.  In the meantime, I'll keep working with my doctors at the VA to make sure I'm ok and to get me ready for eating real food.  May God have mercy on the buffets in our town because they won't have Ben Miller around anymore!

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4/14/2010

 

I've...got....a plan!

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3/25/2010

 

It's about 2am here in Allentown, PA and I can't fall asleep.  I seem to have picked up a nasty cold somewhere, along with my baby girl Allana.  I'm sitting downstairs in the living room and I can hear her crying upstairs on the baby monitor.  She's getting a little sleep here and there, thankfully, but waking up every couple hours.  I offered to try and take care of her myself, but my wife said she's got it covered.  She's a saint!

 

The last couple days have been tough again, especially since I just realized I will probably not be able to fly to Disney with the rest of the family.  Apparently, they have a 'Passenger of Size' policy that says if I can't fit in a 17 inch seat, I have to buy a second seat for myself.  The fun part came when I searched the flight and learned it has already sold out.  I really reached a pinnacle when I did the math and learned it would be physically impossible to lose enough weight to fit into a 17 inch seat by then.  So I've got all of that on my mind...

 

As you can probably guess, I am not having a lot of luck with my diet lately and there's really nobody to blame but me.  Each day I start off trying to stay on track, but I always veer off track around noon and 'blow it' for the day.  I think of all the people out there who have been playing the same game for years and years.  I feel their pain.  Why can't the scientists just invent a pill to take away all the weight?  Then again, if they did, we'd probably put it all back on anyway.  I still believe the key is to find the cause of the overeating and beat it.

 

That's about all for now, I'm going to try and get some sleep again.  Wish me luck!

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3/15/2010

 

As you could probably guess, yesterday was a tough day for me.  I've been extra anxious and it's making things hard to deal with.  It's nothing I can't handle and certainly nothing I haven't experienced a thousand times before, just the makings of a bad couple days.  I weighed myself this morning and as expected, I gained weight back.  The scale says 446, which is only 9 lbs less than I was at the beginning of the year.  That means my screw-ups for the past month have negated 14 of the lbs I lost in January.

 

It's irritating to say the least and I'm not real happy about it.  For the umpteenth time, I'm going to try to get back on track and throw myself back into the game.  Maybe this will be the time that everything falls into place.  I always go into my second chances with nothing but high hopes and it usually flops, but I'm going to keep trucking ahead.  I'm not sure what the sticking point is that always trips me up, but I will surely be on the lookout for it.  I'm hoping that if I can identify what throws me off course then I can find a way to get around it. 

 

People lose weight every day and something like 98% of the people gain it back.  I aim to be one of the 2%.  On a side note, I just read an article about a woman who is actively trying to gain as much weight as possible so she can be the 'World's Fattest Woman.'  She's trying to achieve a weight of 1,000 lbs and actually has a plan to do it in two years.  It's hard to imagine such a thing when the rest of us are trying our damndest to lose weight.  To each his or her own, I guess.

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3/14/2010

 

How many second chances does a person get?  And who dictates that number?  I'm going on about my 50th second chance now and I still can't seem to get it right.  I have to update my weight tomorrow, but I will tell you it's heavier than 432 lbs because once again, I gained weight back.  It's March, just a couple days before the 1st birthday of my beloved daughter, Allana, and I continue to make bad decisions.

 

I genuinely feel like I'm addicted to crack or something and I'm trying to break that addiction, but I keep slipping back into my old ways.  I am ashamed of the things I do, so I eat to hide the shame, which only makes it worse.  This morning, I ate three donuts alone in the car as I drove home from the store.  I was feeling upset with myself and anxious from the rough time I had with my panic disorder last night, so I ate the damn donuts.  God help me, but they tasted great too.  I know they shouldn't have and I know I am in the wrong, but they tasted fantastic. 

 

Almost immediately after I finished them, the old shame crept right back in as I contemplated what I had done.  I let myself down, I let my family down and I let my friends down.  Same old story...

 

My doctors tell me I'm depressed and I think they're right.  I have a hard time focusing on things (which is also a side effect of my medicines) and I feel withdrawn from everyone else.  My memory is shot to crap and I forget things that I just said and did (another medicine side effect).  Half of my conversations see me nodding along, silently contemplating something else in my head and subconsciously being more and more upset with myself. 

 

I was looking in the mirror as I brushed my teeth this morning and I noticed that my eyes were bluer than normal.  I have kind of a funky thing where they appear to look different depending on what I am wearing.  It's always been like that and they can go from a greenish-blue to a dark blue.  Anyway, I was looking at my eyes and I remembered the lyrics to that song, "Behind Blue Eyes."  

 

One verse especially stuck with me and I have been thinking about it all day-

 

"No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through"

 

It's true, though in my version the 'you' is the person I saw in the mirror.  It's fair to say that there's a lot of anger in me, at me, because of me...  Maybe that's the reason I eat, because I feel like I deserve the lot I've drawn in life.  I have questioned whether or not I am a good person for years and regardless of the kind words I've heard from others, the question remains.  I do try to be a good guy and I always think of my dad's advice to 'be a productive citizen,' though I tend to think I'm disappointing him on that point.

 

I'm sitting home fighting with my personal demons and getting my disability check from the military, instead of working at some job and pulling my share of the respective load.   I have two conflicting voices in my head with one telling me that I should get a job and the other acknowledging that it's not something I can handle right now. 

 

Most people don't know this, but I struggle against panic attacks nearly every day anymore.  It's an excruciating existence at times and more often than not, I have to fight with myself to just leave my house.  For those that wondered what happened to me before with the diet, that it in a nutshell.  I had a panic attack on the treadmill at Gold's Gym and I couldn't come back from it.  I forced myself to go back to the gym one or two times after that, but I never lifted weights again and I never pushed myself like before. 

 

I don't expect people who've never had a panic attack to understand what a man who fights them off every day goes through and maybe it sounds like I'm whining here.  I don't mean it that way, I'm just frustrated and tired.  I'm also sick of people who've had an anxiety attack, which is miles away from a panic attack, telling me they understand how I feel and then telling me how I should 'deal with it.'  An anxiety attack is a logical response to an overload of stress and while frightening, you never lose control of your faculties and it has a clear cause. 

 

A panic attack has no conscious trigger and it occurs when adrenaline is suddenly and unexpectedly shot through your body, triggering the 'fight or flight' reflex.   Fight or flight is the body's way of protecting us from a mortal threat, initiating tachycardia and hyperventilation to bring in more air and redistribute the blood flow in our body away from the brain and to our limbs.  Blood sugar is also drawn away from the brain and redistributed to our major muscle groups and the blood PH drops as there is less carbon dioxide in the lungs.  All of this leads to a feeling of unsteadiness and a perceived lack of control.  You feel like you're about to die, because that is what your body is telling you. 

 

The logical part of your brain is no longer in control of things as the instinctual part takes over, so you don't realize it's just a panic attack and you don't understand what is happening.  So you try and take control of the situation, which is impossible because there is no real threat and nothing you can do to stop it.  Then the feelings start to wane away after 15-20 minutes and you start to regain control, though you are terrified that it will happen again and if you're lucky enough to be like me, it will.

 

Sick of hearing about panic attacks?  I know I am, but I'm a whole lot sicker of having them.  They never completely go away for me, they never stop.  I wish my dad was still alive so we could talk about this like we used to talk about everything.  I feel like I'm letting him down by not being a productive citizen and there's nothing I can do about it, because I can't change my situation and I can't talk with him to see what he thinks. 

 

I probably shouldn't even worry about what he thinks, but I do and that's not going to change.  I also worry about what my mom thinks, but she has a different opinion on things.  Some of her friends have had panic disorder and were able to beat it.  She doesn't understand why I can't do the same.  I've tried to explain it to her, but a person really can't appreciate it if they've never experienced it.  I have done everything I physically and mentally could do to try and beat panic disorder, but it's been 15 years since my first attack and over 10 since I've been getting them regularly.  The reality is, they're here to stay and I need to learn to live with it.

 

As for my weight loss, I am screwing up, plain and simple.  There's no way to sugar-coat it, no positive spin to put on it.  I'm still not going to quit, though I might get rid of Weight Watchers.  They have a great program, but tracking my food is not the problem.  I know what to eat and how to staying on top of things has never been a problem.  My real problem is that I just don't seem to be able to say 'no' to food.  I'm not strong and I keep giving in.

 

*** Sorry this wasn't a light-hearted or motivational blog today, I'm not really feeling to great about things and I wanted to be honest about what's all going through my head.  I will keep trying to get a handle on things and keep trying to push forward, though I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to do it right about now.

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2/22/2010

 

Things are going alright here, but it's been a good day/bad day scenario with my weight loss and whenever I seem to make good improvements, I blow it in the subsequent days.  I'm frustrated to the extreme, but I'm still fighting.   After I got over being sick, I had a hard time getting back to the diet permanently. 

 

I'd love to give you a reason for my failure to take control of my weight loss, but I really don't have one.  I don't know why I insist on taking more days off my life when I already know the Panic Disorder has limited it.  It's like I'm driving my car at a brick wall and choose not to steer it away.  I just don't understand myself.

 

In other news, my knees and back are hurting more than ever before and I have been noticing that I limp sometimes to keep weight off my left knee.  I didn't even realize it at first.  It was second-nature and I was walking in to the store when I noticed I was limping.  The longer I stay on my feet, the worse it gets.    See what I mean about driving at the brick wall? 

 

There's always time to turn things around and tomorrow is another day.  Please don't give up on me just yet. 

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2/15/2010

 

Hi everyone.  I know it’s been a little while since I last wrote to you and I’ve heard from a lot of people who wanted to know how I’ve been doing.  The thing is, it’s kind of a complicated answer.

 

Weight-wise, I have done well so far this year and shed 27 lbs since January 1^st.  This past week and a half I have had some sort of stomach bug thing and I’ve been a little off track, so my weight stayed the same.  I think I have been getting sick more due of a combination of my size and my immune system being weakened with my restricted diet.

 

No worries though, nothing that a couple days, a few gallons of Gatorade and about a ton of Rolaids Soft Chews won’t cure.  I do feel bad for Andrea, who had to endure me surprising her with a babysitter and a night out at a nice restaurant, then canceling it all because I was throwing up.  Nice, huh?

 

Outside of all that, things have been tough for me lately.  For those that don’t know, I have Panic Disorder and according to my doctors (I have seen many, trust me), I will almost definitely need to stay on the two medicines I take now, for the rest of my life.  While Panic Disorder is treatable for most people, especially if it’s caught right away, that’s not the case for everyone and especially not for veterans. 

 

I had always held out hope that either the medicine or the therapy would one day be able to cure me and take the attacks and the anxiety problems away.  Well, it’s been 15 years since my first attack and they’re still here.  I’ve tried four of the most successful medicines available, read a bunch of self-help books and listened to a popular series of self-help tapes, tried 8 different doctors and spent a year in therapy at a very well-known clinic led by one of the country’s leading experts in Panic Disorder (turned out that he wrote one of the books I had read).

 

 But they’re still here.  The medicines and the coping techniques I’ve learned do help me control the situation to some degree, but on bad days, I’m stuck.  My choices are to either just deal with it or to take higher amounts of a medicine that is highly addictive and knocks me out.  Some choice.

 

Now before anyone thinks I’m feeling sorry for myself, let me set the record straight.   I have never been the guy to walk around and say poor me, it’s just not the kind of person I am.   Everybody’s got their struggles in life and this one happens to be mine.  I’m writing about things to this extent because people asked and because I want people to know my mindset. 

 

One of my relatives previously chastised me for complaining so much about Panic Disorder in this blog and suggested I stick with my weight loss.  I’ve had some time to think about that and the more I do think about it, the more it bothers me.  First of all, very few people outside of those who’ve actually experienced a true attack (NOT just an anxiety attack), will ever understand just how bad it can be. 

 

Every single attack I experience begins with an unprovoked adrenaline surge that puts it all into motion.  There is an immediate blood rush away from my brain as my heart works overtime to redistribute the blood throughout my body. The loss of blood in the brain means that certain areas like rational thought and logic are shut down temporarily, with the remaining part of my brain telling me I am about to die.  Meanwhile, my chest tightens as my lungs struggle to bring in enough oxygen to fuel my heart and I feel an overwhelming urge to escape, to get out. 

 

It’s a modified version of the fight or flight response that we’re all programmed with, but mine goes off for no logical reason.  The worst part is the extreme anxiety that follows it and lasts a couple days.  It’s a terrifying experience. I basically go through the motions a  person experiences right before they die, over and over.   Even when my coping skills are able to make a dent in the situation and slow things down, the attack just comes back stronger 10 minutes later.

 

The kicker of the whole situation is that panic disorder has shortened my life expectancy too, thanks to all that adrenaline that had weakened my heart.  I just read about a study done by Massachusetts General Hospital that found if you’re 51 or older and have had panic attacks within the past six months, you’re three times more likely to have a heart attack or stroke and twice as likely to die in the next five years. 

 

Great.

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1/31/2010

 

It's 9:24am on January 31st and I feel miserable.  I am in Cape May with my family, staying at a hotel with a heated pool and along with our room came free passes to their big breakfast buffet.  There's everything on that smorgasbord from eggs Benedict to Texas French toast, fresh-baked biscuits with sausage gravy to cherry blintzes.  All you can eat sausage, bacon, breakfast potatoes, pancakes, made-to-order omelets, pastries, creamed chipped beef, etc.

 

It was a dieter's worst nightmare and there was about 3 choices that wouldn't blow through my calories for the entire day and then a couple thousand more.  My choices were bland oatmeal or scrambled eggs that made me gag to think about.  Everyone around me was having multiple plates of that thick French toast with piles of bacon, stacks of pancakes and much more, while I just sat there with an empty plate.  Why wouldn't they?  They didn't have to worry about trying to lose 200+ lbs and they don't have to walk around in a body that feels like it's squeezing the life out of them, hurting like crazy every step they take and every time they try to climb a stair or get up from a seated position.

 

I finally had to get up and leave the table.  It was brutal and I couldn't take it anymore.  I used my Weight Watchers indulgence points between yesterday's breakfast and last night for dinner (meatloaf with French fries and New England clam chowder).   In the month of January, I lost a total of 23 lbs and I'm not going to blow it now.  Maybe later, though I hope it doesn't happen, but I'm not going to screw it up now.

 

I'm glad my family and everyone else at the hotel's restaurant enjoyed the buffet, that's why it was there.  I can't blame them for my own past mistakes.   My family tried to offer my choices from the buffet that they though I could eat, but they don't understand how hard it is for me.  I don't think anyone really could unless they've been in the situation.

 That doesn't mean it won't hurt to sit there with an empty stomach, watching everyone else eat food that looks and smells incredible.  It's times like this that I really hate myself for the choices that I've made.  I know it's not healthy to feel that way and I know it's not politically correct to just blurt that out, but what can I say?  I'm just being honest.